thinking

Beyond the gentle waves is where the real turbulence lies.

​I knew I needed time off work, but I didn’t realise just how much being there was causing these negative feelings I was experiencing every single day. I thought it was my just my general mood, because I was struggling to find my feet as a journalism graduate. I thought it was because of the mudane pressures that come with being an adult.

Still, a few days away was enough to put things into perspective for me. I went away to places I had never been before and I explored.It gave me a moment of pure calm as I looked up to the moody sky and realised for once I didn’t feel the same. I took a deep breathe and then watched the waves of Loch Lomond roll out and into the roots of outgrown trees.  As myself and my boyfriend crossed a wooden bridge we peered over like excited children, chatting about all the different kinds of pebbles. We discussed and challenged the easiest route to get around a slightly alarming puddle. We saw some ducks. I was content.

Walking is my therapy, so these trips became more than just your every day stroll. I ended up with the kind of soul-searching, outwith my usual boundries kind of walk which usually occurs when life is in the process of adapting around you.

Walking brought up feelings, and it was refreshing to break through the numb quiet I have become used to, a gentle reminder that despite my moment of calm, I am still struggling.

Most people in my life know this, that mentally, physically and financially I am drained. 

Though it may be unbelievable, I am still happy, I have very good friends, and I like coming home to my supportive and intelligent partner. (And of course my cats). But when i go to work, I become sad. It’s like a shift in personality. I stiffen, I expect negativity, to be talked down to, to be cursed at, shouted at irrationally. But I can handle that. It comes with the job and you find positivty and kindness goes a long way in dealings with these situations. But I become unbearably sad and it isn’t right. Work doesn’t give me any feeling of pride, I no longer feel a sense of achievement. I feel stuck, badly paid and unappreciated. I am not happy about the way things are run, or with some of the people “running it” I am unhappy not just because of me, but having to watch everyone else I have grown attached too struggle and feel just the same in varying ways. 

It is a workplace that is in no way shape or form forward thinking about the welfare of its employees, nor their livelihoods. Everything is a bother, or a problem. You request a day off weeks in advance and you are verbally called a pest. You work your socks off, you produce sales, instead of gratitude, you gain nothing. It is a still silence.

It is an expected silence.

And so you watch a manager get a hefty bonus for sitting in an office huffing about its awful staff and how everything is left for them to do, because we are incapable. While the staff and other management are hard at work serving, dealing with the everyday issues and nonchalantly working away, indifferent to the opinion of one on their individual abilities.

I spend most my time there, but this work is not my life, just my livelehood. And that is something I am made to feel ashamed of and restricted to. I did not spend 5 years studying journalism to be forced into a weirdly controlled working environment that tells you how to feel, or do, without reflection, a moment of creativity, a challenge or offer any prospects. It is not a happy workplace and I will never lie about that. 

So my time off has been very much a rude awakening. 

I already knew I was stuck and there is nothing I can do about that until I can find a new job.  While I never expected to be in this position, at least time off has confirmed what the problem is, that I need mental stimulus and respect. I need more than this and that is completely okay. It is a simple conclusion but a sign of a changing attitude, because if there is one thing I do best, it is that I believe I adapt well, even if I don’t realise at the time.

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What goes up, must come down. Should it really?

The phrase “What goes up, must come down” can relate to a lot of things. Like, for instance,  if I were to throw a ball up in the air, there is no point questioning whether or not it will come back down. Because the laws of gravity does not allow the ball to stay up in the air for very long. (unless it got stuck in a tree)

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So, let’s say I’m the ball. Naturally the function of the ball is to be hit in the face continuously whether that being from a tennis racket or the ground. Am i right?  Aye, so It’s a bit like my life, obviously there has been times growing up where it feels as though I am getting a smack in the face , personally… from life, because life hates me and i’m a teenager and nothing is getting better blaa.  So i’m a ball and i’m trying so hard to stay up in the air  for as long as possible and feel that sense of freedom, that feeling of peace. But it won’t last long, because that’s not how life works – because apparently life is a rollercoaster- and also because I’m a ball and I’ve already described how that ends.

I have gone through my first 19 years with this unbelievably stupid belief that as soon as something good happens to me, something bad will eventually follow – To justify it, I tell myself that there needs to be a balance. Me? Happy? All the time you say? HAHAHAHA. I’m not that lucky!

I know that I’m not one of these lucky people, who go through life with everything handed to them on a plate. And I never will be, because who wants everything done for them?  I have always wanted to be recognised as a hard working person. And I count myself lucky that I have the opportunity to do so.  But then why do I see someone who is happy all the time as ‘lucky.’  Why do I have this attitude towards it, as though 1 in 6 people are privileged enough to be this way. We choose how we feel, even if we don’t realise it. So why should I believe in such a negative theory towards my life. Why should I assume shit will eventually hit the fan because I am happy with how my life is going right now. That is probably one of the most confusing theories I have ever came across and tried to accept as a positive thing. I think, if you want to be happy-You will be happy. BUT, only if you are willing to put in the effort to change what is bringing you down. Whether that be a bad relationship, a number of bad friends, a  personal reason or a crappy job. Only you can make you happy. No one can do it for you.

So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on this year so far and I’ve realised just how happy I am.  And I’m sorry if  i’m coming across as being that ‘i’m so happy’-let me rub it your face person right now. But..

Everything has come together, infact I’ve come together in a way I could of never even imagined and I am entirely grateful for every single person who helped me grow. Of course there had been moments, these past few months where I faced hardship’s just like every other person. And I very nearly let it bring me down, and I nearly allowed myself to return to that negative state of mind I had been carrying with me for too long.

I began questioning myself. Why should I let these weak moment define how I am? with and towards others. And why did I accept that ‘what goes up, must come down.’ Because I  really don’t anymore. You can still be happy despite the bad things happening in your life. You’re allowed to feel sorry for yourself, and you are allowed to feel sad, but why let it drag you down. I would much rather try and be positive and be kind to other’s. I would rather assume that ok, life can suck sometimes…but it doesn’t mean I have to suck with it. – I can change this, I can be happy.

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Life lessons

I’m doing it again. I’m lying in bed satisfied with finishing my book, but not with my thoughts. My mind is drifting into the unknown, the reckless line between negative and positive. This is the part where I explain how I cringed, whined and cried with my face firmly under my pillow for ever gracing this earth. The part where I tell you I’m once again over analysing events from the other week and also from years ago. Thinking about how I wish I could change how things in my past happened. If only I tried more with this and if only I did that. But I stopped myself before my mind took that small but unsteady step over the line. Something I am learning as I grow up is that life is never what it seems. It’s not easy and it’s not hard. It’s not bad or good. It’s what YOU make of it. Sometimes everything could be going fantastic and then suddenly it all changes. A chain reaction unfolding before your eyes. Believe me or not but you are either going to understand why it has happened or you won’t. And that understanding may be sudden or a realisation later in life. I’m not sure why I have so much faith in, let’s call it the ‘order of things’ but I know from experience, there is a reason for everything. We meet certain people to get to next place, like a transport system of your life and people are the transport. We have friends, lovers, even family who come and go. People teach you a lesson, good or bad and you/they move on. I wouldn’t be where I am now if I wasn’t for my first love, and now we’ve both moved on but we are still connected in a way. I wouldn’t be the same person if I hadn’t gone through the heartbreak and the hurt, if I chose to stay. He taught me many lessons good and bad and i’m a better person because of it.

And i’m waiting for someone to comment and scream ‘bullshit’ at me. But, in my opinion it’s up to the individual to either take a positive note from their past events, or a negative one. We have all gone through terrible times, and we have all gone through wonderful times. We learn through experience and we create our own opinions, our own morals and judgements on the past and how we are going to structure our future. And although we don’t believe it sometimes, we have full control of ourselves.

Tonight I am appreciating life, forgetting about the past I cannot change and living in the now.

And I am also going to sleep 🙂
And I also like you, because you are reading this and that makes me happy…cats.

Late night thinking.

After an hour long phone call with the mother, I settle into bed preparing for tomorrow. I feel peaceful. But as I attempt to wind down and fall asleep, l find my mind wander away, but not in the nice sort of way where I start imagining ryan gosling as my boyfriend, but in the way where I’m reinacting all the worst memories of my past. I start off with some lighter ones from the day, cringing at a lame joke I made that followed with a minute’s silence because no one understood it. I feel myself biting my nails over the guy who seen me trip up over my own foot whilst walking back from uni earlier that day, hoping I never seen him.again. I’m picking out silly little things that I have no control over. I then move on to more important past issues. Recurring thoughts about the absent father, worries about how i’ve acted in the past and hoping the people i have encountered don’t think badly of me now. I then stop and think why the hell was I doing this to myself. Why was I constantly dragging up the past. I guess it depends on every single individual and their own personal experiences but I do wonder that it must be because we are still hurt by it, or we are still 10 years down the line healing from a situation that occured so long ago. It doesn’t matter how much you try and think happy thoughts about kittens, or ice-cream, you just can’t shake the feeling that something bad will happen to you because you have been so unfortunate beforehand. I have no idea why I start thinking so negativly before bed, but it’s definately the wrong sort of attitude to embrace. Negative thinking will get you no where and only bring you down, I myself and other people i’m sure need to learn that what’s passed is in the past for a reason. Sometimes we all just need a little faith and hope that we will turn out the way we always hoped and craved for.