negativity

Reflection

Throughout my life, I have reflected on my actions, my choices, and my feelings, and today is no exception.

Towards the end of university, I thrived off the simplicity of success and the feeling of working towards a common goal. My aim was to graduate with honours. Of course, this was a desire that everyone had, that was the point of it.Yet surprisingly, in the beginning, I didn’t. See the truth is, I expected to fail, even though I have already gotten so far. I doubted my ability, my intelligence, and I battled with my own negative outlook. But university changed my way of thinking.

In the beginning of university my natural reactions to most things were primed by a negative mind. I was clouded, so whenever something good happened, say for instance, getting results back and sharing them with others, I would feel embarrassed and awkward. When I quietly announced to a friend over a table that I got a B in my portfolio, I watched their reactions, their smiles and I would smile back with an apologetic look on my face. Why, because I wanted to shout and jump about it, but gloating wasn’t my normal way of doing things, I was embarrassed for allowing people to feel excited for me. I was being fussed over and instead of feeling grateful for such a positive reaction, I looked for anything to turn around and enforce my negative opinion of myself and my achievements. It was so bad that I would take congratulations from lecturers with a pinch of salt, go home and think about how I could have done so much better.Simply Because I truly believed I wasn’t good enough. I was so deep into my own self-loathing, I couldn’t comprehend positivity, and that is a truly terrifying thing.

But the thing was, the people in my life didn’t cater to my darkness like I wanted, they smiled and cheered, and egged me on. The issue I was faced with was that my self-doubting was so bad, my sense of judgement of progression and achievement was seriously clouded. But university gave me my guts back, and the friends I had and made along the way pushed me to celebrate the small things, and most importantly my boyfriend changed how I saw myself, loved me no matter. And so, I reflected some more.

See, like all humans, we reflect on our actions, our feelings and our patterns that we develop. Over the years, I accepted that feeling ashamed about wanting to be better and successful was just a response, driven by past events to my own inner issues. I accepted that I was reinforcing my own idea about myself, and it started to become clear, that I saw myself differently to everyone else in my life. I was always quick to celebrate other people’s achievements but I had finally begun to feel proud of my own. University and the people within it gave me that. I started listening intently to those words, watching those reactions and changing my own perception of myself. I felt like I was finally in control.

As I went through my final two years of university. I took on board the constructive criticism from lecturers and let it guide me. I put myself into situations I would never have dreamed of. I worked for Sky News and threw myself into an internship at a publishing house I wanted to work for. I wrote about something that interested me and got it published. I chose a difficult and interesting topic about reporting on trauma for my dissertation, I interviewed very successful people in the business and didn’t feel unequal. I did these things because I believed in myself and listened to those who believed in me too. I did these things because I wanted to be the best of myself without the negative outlook.

On reflection, if there is one thing I am sure of, it is that we continue to grow – up and better – all at once, and the challenges we face are sometimes obstacles we place before ourselves, because we either don’t know any better, or we haven’t allowed ourselves to be better. But with a bit of reflection, we can all get through this, challenge ourselves to be the good within and not what we are told, but who we are and how we feel.

Why I believe keeping things private is actually pretty important

Now I know what you are all thinking, you are looking at my title in disbelief. You were just having an innocent scroll through Facebook or Twitter and then bam. I hit you with this ‘keeping things private shite’ and you’re just sitting there thinking. Like, is she being serious right now? How can she even say that? I get where you are coming from random citizen. I mean lets be honest, one of my last Facebook posts was about having a sex dream.

Maybe you think my title is misleading, because I’m not exactly the most private person out there. I talk about sex far too much, In fact I love talking about sex nearly as much as I love having sex. You could say I’m obssessed, I could probably agree.

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But this is who I am. Everyone in my life knows I will always be an open person. That will never ever change. I will always openly discuss my issues to people I trust and I will always give my honest advice with theirs. 

And I will always openly discuss sex.

Some people get that, others don’t. That’s fine, we are all different people, with different views on what is morally acceptable in this society. But c’mon now. We live in a world filled with prostitutes, drugs, murder and unfaithful partners. (just a small list of what’s wrong in this world) Give a girl a break eh? This isn’t the 1950’s. I’m an independent women. (cue me dancing ridiculously to Destiny’s child)

But all I can say is that, if you are intimidated by the fact that I am confident discussing what I like and exactly how I like it, then..well? What are you expecting from me? I won’t apologise for who I am, I won’t apologise for being more comfortable with myself than you are. I just don’t expect you to make public digs at me about what I say. You feel me bro? No? Ok then, how about you and your negative attitude go stand on an unexpected piece of lego. Doesn’t feel good does it?

 

You’re are probably thinking I have some warped sort of view on sex, like it’s no big deal. But if you read my previous posts you would know that I respect relationships, and that I’m not really into one night stands. And I have no problem with people that like them. But In my opinion, sex with someone you care about is and always will be a big deal. Something private between the two of you. Something you wouldn’t hear me openly chatting about on Facebook or with acquaintances. It is important to respect that kind of privacy. And that is what I have learned from the past few months.

I have taken that level of privacy on board, and put it towards certain aspects of my life. I know for certain that it’s best to be a little more private about a new relationship. Maybe I should stop telling everyone how much I love cat’s. Maybe I should stop blogging about everything?

Now if I stopped the last two, I would be trying to suppress a part of me that cannot be suppressed. I like expressing how I feel. I like being me. I’m just learning to be a better version of myself.

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What goes up, must come down. Should it really?

The phrase “What goes up, must come down” can relate to a lot of things. Like, for instance,  if I were to throw a ball up in the air, there is no point questioning whether or not it will come back down. Because the laws of gravity does not allow the ball to stay up in the air for very long. (unless it got stuck in a tree)

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So, let’s say I’m the ball. Naturally the function of the ball is to be hit in the face continuously whether that being from a tennis racket or the ground. Am i right?  Aye, so It’s a bit like my life, obviously there has been times growing up where it feels as though I am getting a smack in the face , personally… from life, because life hates me and i’m a teenager and nothing is getting better blaa.  So i’m a ball and i’m trying so hard to stay up in the air  for as long as possible and feel that sense of freedom, that feeling of peace. But it won’t last long, because that’s not how life works – because apparently life is a rollercoaster- and also because I’m a ball and I’ve already described how that ends.

I have gone through my first 19 years with this unbelievably stupid belief that as soon as something good happens to me, something bad will eventually follow – To justify it, I tell myself that there needs to be a balance. Me? Happy? All the time you say? HAHAHAHA. I’m not that lucky!

I know that I’m not one of these lucky people, who go through life with everything handed to them on a plate. And I never will be, because who wants everything done for them?  I have always wanted to be recognised as a hard working person. And I count myself lucky that I have the opportunity to do so.  But then why do I see someone who is happy all the time as ‘lucky.’  Why do I have this attitude towards it, as though 1 in 6 people are privileged enough to be this way. We choose how we feel, even if we don’t realise it. So why should I believe in such a negative theory towards my life. Why should I assume shit will eventually hit the fan because I am happy with how my life is going right now. That is probably one of the most confusing theories I have ever came across and tried to accept as a positive thing. I think, if you want to be happy-You will be happy. BUT, only if you are willing to put in the effort to change what is bringing you down. Whether that be a bad relationship, a number of bad friends, a  personal reason or a crappy job. Only you can make you happy. No one can do it for you.

So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on this year so far and I’ve realised just how happy I am.  And I’m sorry if  i’m coming across as being that ‘i’m so happy’-let me rub it your face person right now. But..

Everything has come together, infact I’ve come together in a way I could of never even imagined and I am entirely grateful for every single person who helped me grow. Of course there had been moments, these past few months where I faced hardship’s just like every other person. And I very nearly let it bring me down, and I nearly allowed myself to return to that negative state of mind I had been carrying with me for too long.

I began questioning myself. Why should I let these weak moment define how I am? with and towards others. And why did I accept that ‘what goes up, must come down.’ Because I  really don’t anymore. You can still be happy despite the bad things happening in your life. You’re allowed to feel sorry for yourself, and you are allowed to feel sad, but why let it drag you down. I would much rather try and be positive and be kind to other’s. I would rather assume that ok, life can suck sometimes…but it doesn’t mean I have to suck with it. – I can change this, I can be happy.

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Late night thinking.

After an hour long phone call with the mother, I settle into bed preparing for tomorrow. I feel peaceful. But as I attempt to wind down and fall asleep, l find my mind wander away, but not in the nice sort of way where I start imagining ryan gosling as my boyfriend, but in the way where I’m reinacting all the worst memories of my past. I start off with some lighter ones from the day, cringing at a lame joke I made that followed with a minute’s silence because no one understood it. I feel myself biting my nails over the guy who seen me trip up over my own foot whilst walking back from uni earlier that day, hoping I never seen him.again. I’m picking out silly little things that I have no control over. I then move on to more important past issues. Recurring thoughts about the absent father, worries about how i’ve acted in the past and hoping the people i have encountered don’t think badly of me now. I then stop and think why the hell was I doing this to myself. Why was I constantly dragging up the past. I guess it depends on every single individual and their own personal experiences but I do wonder that it must be because we are still hurt by it, or we are still 10 years down the line healing from a situation that occured so long ago. It doesn’t matter how much you try and think happy thoughts about kittens, or ice-cream, you just can’t shake the feeling that something bad will happen to you because you have been so unfortunate beforehand. I have no idea why I start thinking so negativly before bed, but it’s definately the wrong sort of attitude to embrace. Negative thinking will get you no where and only bring you down, I myself and other people i’m sure need to learn that what’s passed is in the past for a reason. Sometimes we all just need a little faith and hope that we will turn out the way we always hoped and craved for.