love

Finally I understand

“It has made me better loving you … it has made me wiser, and easier, and brighter. I used to want a great many things before, and to be angry that I did not have them. Theoretically, I was satisfied. I flattered myself that I had limited my wants. But I was subject to irritation; I used to have morbid sterile hateful fits of hunger, of desire. Now I really am satisfied, because I can’t think of anything better.” -Henry James, The Portrait of a Lady.

I have never come across a bundle of words so accurate to how I feel in this moment, how I have been feeling from the very beginning. I didn’t know how to express the fact that I finally felt Satisfied. And not just with you, but more importantly, with myself. It is not something you can pinpoint out the very back of your subconscious and be like, ah! that’s what I’ve meant to say all along. This quote reminded me of myself and it helped me understand.

Words helped me see, so I’ll let you see my words clearly.

When my mouth moved I was slurring out cheese-filled vocabulary which made me sound like an overused valentines day card. I was coming across as your average girl in love. I found it hard to express vocally without sounding the same as everyone else – but I have the ability to write about how I feel, and that is a powerful thing, even as powerful as how I feel about you. I may not be able to say it without tripping over my words and taking about three years to get to the point, I may go off on a tangent, and accidentally forgot what I was trying to say. I get distracted, but at least I can write about how I love you.

And I’m sorry for saying I love you,  without really explaining why. With everything you do for me, even the smallest of things, they can have the biggest effect.

I love you for how you calm me, how you carefully challenge me when I’m too anxious to step up, how you make me see that I am stronger than what my self-esteem likes to think it is, even in my most vulnerable moments. How you have taught a highly strung, overly cautious girl to have fun, in ways I like having fun and introducing me to ways you like having fun. You have taught me how to be bold.

Falling in love with you, was one of the best experiences I have ever had. There was not a moment where I doubted that this wouldn’t work, despite having reasons to be careful. But it felt far too right to ignore, and what is life if you are not living, if you are not taking risks. And us falling in love was one worth taking.

It can be curious thing love, it is especially curious once you aren’t falling in love anymore. Instead you are just in love, it doesn’t sound as glamorous but once the constant rush has settled, everything is so much clearer. You are committed to each other in a way that seems like friendship, but stronger – like a overlapping bond. Tight, secure, and safe. I am happy, Satisfied.

I have passed that heart pounding, anxiety driven feeling that I had with him while I was falling like I was about to leap off a tall cliff. It was a leap of complete and utter faith, of giving myself over and letting my emotions lead the way. For once I carefully ignored any signs that this could end at any point because I was lost in a happy place, everything was so easy, so carefree, so different. And it still is. Why would I ever think that it could ever end?

Oh, you! I laugh as I playfully nudge my inner-self, for thinking such a silly thing. But sometimes you can stop thinking clearly, not matter how happy you are. It can be easier than you think to let your insecurities slowly take control.

All of my worst thoughts creeping into skin.What happens if it does end? Will he still love me? Is he going to get bored and move on? Am I going to be alone, worse abandoned?  Every time you Shake them off violently, stomping at the foul creatures and remind yourself that insecurities are not who you are unless you let them, they are not how they make you feel, unless you let them. They are powerless unless you give them the wheel.

I would consider myself a strong person, but you have still supported me through some of my darkest moments, even if you have not realised. You have, and you still pull me up when I’m sitting with you at half one in the morning trying to explain, trying to understand my own ridiculous and unnecessary insecurities. Sometimes, I let them take over, and I don’t know why. I guess I can get defense and I get scared. I do not want to lose the most important person in my life (besides my family). I am human and I feel protective, of course, I wouldn’t want to lose you. I have never had it better. And as for my insecurities, well no matter how much I have dealt with something emotionally, tiny fractions can sometimes still remain and there is nothing I can do about that, but soldier on and accept it as part of what has built me up, and what made me who I am. The me that I am today, and not the me that I was yesterday.

You have never given me any reason to doubt that this relationship was wrong, that this journey we were both on was timed.  Right now I could think of nothing better than to spend the rest of my life with you, to travel and experience life together. For with love you have all the time in the world. That connection I feel with you is just the same as how I described it a year ago when I wrote about you for the first time on here. Just as strong, only so much more now.

It has made me better loving you … it has made me wiser, and easier, and brighter. I used to want a great many things before, and to be angry that I did not have them. I was not satisfied with anything at all, I was learning to accept myself. But now I have myself and I have you, and I am satisfied in every way someone could be. You satisfy me in every way you can, and I can’t thank you enough for being you. For being the best influence in my life, for letting me in on your world. I love you more than you could ever imagine.

Kyra xo

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Why I believe keeping things private is actually pretty important

Now I know what you are all thinking, you are looking at my title in disbelief. You were just having an innocent scroll through Facebook or Twitter and then bam. I hit you with this ‘keeping things private shite’ and you’re just sitting there thinking. Like, is she being serious right now? How can she even say that? I get where you are coming from random citizen. I mean lets be honest, one of my last Facebook posts was about having a sex dream.

Maybe you think my title is misleading, because I’m not exactly the most private person out there. I talk about sex far too much, In fact I love talking about sex nearly as much as I love having sex. You could say I’m obssessed, I could probably agree.

Just ask my….ha! Image

But this is who I am. Everyone in my life knows I will always be an open person. That will never ever change. I will always openly discuss my issues to people I trust and I will always give my honest advice with theirs. 

And I will always openly discuss sex.

Some people get that, others don’t. That’s fine, we are all different people, with different views on what is morally acceptable in this society. But c’mon now. We live in a world filled with prostitutes, drugs, murder and unfaithful partners. (just a small list of what’s wrong in this world) Give a girl a break eh? This isn’t the 1950’s. I’m an independent women. (cue me dancing ridiculously to Destiny’s child)

But all I can say is that, if you are intimidated by the fact that I am confident discussing what I like and exactly how I like it, then..well? What are you expecting from me? I won’t apologise for who I am, I won’t apologise for being more comfortable with myself than you are. I just don’t expect you to make public digs at me about what I say. You feel me bro? No? Ok then, how about you and your negative attitude go stand on an unexpected piece of lego. Doesn’t feel good does it?

 

You’re are probably thinking I have some warped sort of view on sex, like it’s no big deal. But if you read my previous posts you would know that I respect relationships, and that I’m not really into one night stands. And I have no problem with people that like them. But In my opinion, sex with someone you care about is and always will be a big deal. Something private between the two of you. Something you wouldn’t hear me openly chatting about on Facebook or with acquaintances. It is important to respect that kind of privacy. And that is what I have learned from the past few months.

I have taken that level of privacy on board, and put it towards certain aspects of my life. I know for certain that it’s best to be a little more private about a new relationship. Maybe I should stop telling everyone how much I love cat’s. Maybe I should stop blogging about everything?

Now if I stopped the last two, I would be trying to suppress a part of me that cannot be suppressed. I like expressing how I feel. I like being me. I’m just learning to be a better version of myself.

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5 common types of relationships

The ‘first love’

As a past-believer in everlasting love, like the hopeless romantic I am, there were no words to describe my feelings of betrayal when I  discovered that my ‘one and only’ was not to be. Looking back I realise that my expectations for the relationship were probably a tad  too high. Oh, ok fine – my expectations were so far past the line, that i couldn’t even see it. My relationship with my ex can be compared to a race. I was one of those really really fast horses with one of those pretentious horsey names like wellingtonbanks full of adrenaline and my ex was a snail, a really relaxed snail just going at his own casual pace, probably called chad or something. That sounds like a reasonable snail name.

joey

Anyway, you always start at the beginning of this race together, side by side,  my ex being a snail and and me being a horse, waiting for that moment that lets us know it’s okay to go for it and give it our everything.  The start is always the best part, you have a clear path ahead of you and you are in this together. But my horsey instincts kick in and I end up going a lot faster than my ex, I take over him, leaving him to trail behind. And eventually I pass the finish line, in relationship terms years before he does.  Spending the remainder of my time waiting for him to catch up and be my equal again.  But of course it becomes clear that he wont be reaching me any time soon. So I end up spending the most part of the relationship continuing down a lone path filled with crazed ideas about where we are both heading. When in reality, it’s not going anywhere, because essentially I have grown up and moved on, leaving my ex half way through the race.  This is naturally my first love in a nutshell. Me wanting to finish the race and “settle down” and my ex wanting to take his time and live in the moment. Unfortunately a little too much.  And it is probably the case for most first loves. One will try to move too fast, while the other is reluctant.  You out grow each other and decide we want more than what that person can offer and they deserve more than what we can offer them. It is all really quite sad.

But fear not my loved up cherubs, there are plenty of childhood sweethearts still going strong. I’m not saying it is impossible, just that it’s  definitely more realistic.

The one night stand

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I haven’t had many one night stand’s, only two to count. One I didn’t know and I regret, and the other I did know and I don’t regret it at all. See that’s the thing with me, I’ve never liked the idea of sleeping with someone you don’t know. It kind of freaks me out, and I have no idea why I decided to go ahead with it.  It’s not about body confidence or the ability to perform. I have no issues there. It just relates back to my undeniable awkwardness and social anxiety. The thing I worry most about is the next morning. I mean it’s completely acceptable to look a trainwreck during sex, because let’s face it, the guy isn’t going to start complaining about your panda eye’s when you are giving him head. He’s only going to be thinking about the fact that you’re giving him head. It’s when you are both moderately sober and aware of how much of a mess you look and how little you know about them. That’s what freaks me out. What are you supposed to say? Um, hi could you please leave because you are making me uncomfortable, and I would like to continue walking around being a mess and feeling sorry for my hungover self in peace. If it was with someone you know at least you could justify your messy hair do and make-up free face with it’s ok, he’s already seen me like this before.

The rebound

Rebound

We’ve all been there. The guy you secretly really liked during your last relationship but never acted on until you ended things with your boyfriend. The one that seemed like a really down to earth and nice guy. He was all magical and different and you fell for him like a deer in the headlights because you both had loads of things in common, but it turns out he was really just a dick,  He didn’t really get you and it didn’t feel right. And the things you had in common were pretty much made up because you were so desperate to feel that closeness with someone again. I bet you the sex was really good am I right? Yes, well good for you. Bravo on putting on your sexiest pants and be a sexual unicorn. But that’s all it was really about wasn’t it? Pretty much a prolonged one night stand. . And that my friends is why it is called  “The rebound” because it isn’t destined to last. And there’s a reason for that.

The internet romance that wasn’t so romantic after all

Remember msn messenger? Aye, well back in the day I used it mostly for flirtatious conversations with overly exaggerated emotions and updating my pm to who ever I fancied that week.  I spent far too much time chatting away to guys I had never met and assuming that they were my boyfriend. It’s kind of what you do as a young teenager, you get to know someone over the internet, and you begin to obsess over them. So much so that you send them nudges until they respond to your large beating heart emotion you sent them merely a second ago. It’s the right of passage as a teenage girl -or at least it was. We all experience an internet romance. But what I learned was that when the time comes to finally meet the person you have been obsessing over, it’s kind of an anti-climax. You spend months “getting to know them before you take the plunge and met them in flesh. It is then when it hits you that even though you know so much about them. You don’t really know them. So the meeting turns out to be actually pretty awkward and although you both usually have so much to say, you suddenly feel quite guarded. You realise they know some of your darkest secrets and being with them makes you uncomfortable. All that talk about all the things you are going to do together and all that sexual tension exchanged in the form of winky faces suddenly means nothing. After the awkward encounter you don’t speak as much and one day you notice your name has been replaced on their pm and you feel a little betrayed and heartbroken. You stop speaking all together and forget about them.

The one that has potential

There’s always that relationship that starts of as just a friendship but over time it gradually becomes more. You aren’t really expecting anything to happen and you kinda wish it would. But you just keep going along being friends until it all suddenly kicks off. It’s unexpected, new and scary, but it feels right.

He’s the friend you’ve always had a thing for. You both share the same kind of silly humour and you get on a little too well.  He’s the kindest man you have ever met. He doesn’t put you down instead he lifts you up, he doesn’t judge you – he listens, and he hasn’t ever disappointed you. He puts in the effort and doesn’t ever blow hot and cold. He shows you affection and he has no problems expressing his emotions. You feel safe with him, and you feel calm. You love spending time with him and you find him interesting. Most of all you respect him and you trust him. He is a good person and he is worth every second of your time.

And there is a sort of clarity within yourself when you come across someone like this. If they have potential, don’t miss out! Just go for it. It could be the beginning of something brilliant. There are decent people out there, you just have to take the time of day and get to know them.

p.s. Nice guys do not finish last.

Life lessons

I’m doing it again. I’m lying in bed satisfied with finishing my book, but not with my thoughts. My mind is drifting into the unknown, the reckless line between negative and positive. This is the part where I explain how I cringed, whined and cried with my face firmly under my pillow for ever gracing this earth. The part where I tell you I’m once again over analysing events from the other week and also from years ago. Thinking about how I wish I could change how things in my past happened. If only I tried more with this and if only I did that. But I stopped myself before my mind took that small but unsteady step over the line. Something I am learning as I grow up is that life is never what it seems. It’s not easy and it’s not hard. It’s not bad or good. It’s what YOU make of it. Sometimes everything could be going fantastic and then suddenly it all changes. A chain reaction unfolding before your eyes. Believe me or not but you are either going to understand why it has happened or you won’t. And that understanding may be sudden or a realisation later in life. I’m not sure why I have so much faith in, let’s call it the ‘order of things’ but I know from experience, there is a reason for everything. We meet certain people to get to next place, like a transport system of your life and people are the transport. We have friends, lovers, even family who come and go. People teach you a lesson, good or bad and you/they move on. I wouldn’t be where I am now if I wasn’t for my first love, and now we’ve both moved on but we are still connected in a way. I wouldn’t be the same person if I hadn’t gone through the heartbreak and the hurt, if I chose to stay. He taught me many lessons good and bad and i’m a better person because of it.

And i’m waiting for someone to comment and scream ‘bullshit’ at me. But, in my opinion it’s up to the individual to either take a positive note from their past events, or a negative one. We have all gone through terrible times, and we have all gone through wonderful times. We learn through experience and we create our own opinions, our own morals and judgements on the past and how we are going to structure our future. And although we don’t believe it sometimes, we have full control of ourselves.

Tonight I am appreciating life, forgetting about the past I cannot change and living in the now.

And I am also going to sleep 🙂
And I also like you, because you are reading this and that makes me happy…cats.

Being happy

I’ve been wanting to write about this for a very long time. I’m curious about what other people’s definition of being happy is. Because quite frankly it’s not as simple as we make it out to be. Being happy is an emotion every one of us will experience throughout our lives but there’s a deeper complexity to it. There’s a difference between telling your co-workers/friends/family “yeah, I’m happy, life’s good” in response to them asking how you are or how you’ve been to you walking about full of confidence, beaming ear to ear producing smiles like no tomorrow. That is what I call true happiness. Having experienced this for the first time i have to say it felt good, infact it felt amazing. I’m not going to lie, someone played a special part in all of this for me. It’s crazy how one person can do that, bring out the best in you and make you feel so alive. I felt so content with myself and begin to see the beauty in everything, including myself. Now i’m not saying that this person was the whole reason as to way i felt so happy, he was but a step towards a better version of me. A helping hand if you like. I became happy because I chose to feel this way. We all have a choice and control over how we want to project ourselves to others and to ourselves and I finally had the courage to let go of all the crap and just be me (happy). But one thing that really grinds my gears is when people write on twitter or facebook “someone come over and make me feel better etc” being truly happy is all about loving and accepting yourself. Believing in who you are and what you can achieve. Being content. Yes people can make you feel a certain way, take away the lonliness and insecurities temporarly but people need to understand that these sort of things need to be dealt with alone. We cannot be dependent on other’s to feel a certain way. I’ve done it in the past and it’s unhealthy and unsatisfying. I’m not saying everyone should just stop feeling sad and be happy instead, as though it’s as simple as changing your top. What i’m trying to say is appreciate yourself a little more, do things that you enjoy, don’t be so hard on yourself. So what if you ruined your diet last night after eating 10 doughnuts. It’s ok, live a little, laugh and love and you will be on your way to being a happy chappy! P.s. I apologise for using the word ‘happy’ so much.