lessons

From Adult To Adult

“Ouch”. I moan, as my kitten’s perfectly refined claws retract out of my calves. He senses the tension between us and as an act of avoiding responsibility, performs a jump and sprint through the flat. All the while, I’m bent over falling bum first into my hallway wall, trying frantically to put my shoes on and tie my laces in a manner, I am sure is exclusive to the anxious and clumsy. As always I am late, which means I must perform the ritual of all my morning rituals. Check I have my keys, check again, run across the road and through the traffic lights, hold down my flying lanyard, wipe my watery eyes from the wind, keep the contents of my bag safe as I check that I have my card (and my keys). I try and hide my shame and my wind tears, as I sprint awkwardly to the station, past all my neighbours and takeaway providers.

They know, I will tell myself, that even as a fully grown 20 year old women, I still fucking hate mornings.

Growing up, I was never under the assumption that life was going to be an easy ride. As a child, I was constantly observing and going through the struggles of life, only from a younger perspective. Though I may not have been physically dealing with things like an adult would, emotionally I was. I became a worrier, a title that had rudely gatecrashed my life.

I didn’t know what I was expecting of adulthood, I don’t think anyone does. All I had to base it on was from watching my mother bring me and my sister up. From that, I guess I had already learned that life was unexpected, mean and incredibly unfair. It was full of mishaps and responsibilities and yet, it taught me an important lesson. I learned that opportunity is only an opportunity if you see it as one. As a teenager, I took this idea on aggressively, because I wanted nothing more than stability. I wanted what everyone else ‘had’.

This attitude was clearly one of the reasons people perceived me as odd during school. I was mocked for wanting to better my life. Mocked for wanting to get a flat instead of go to halls, laughed at for having a savings account. Posters about me and my ex stuck on walls for this that and everything else. It was ignorance on their part, for not being able to accept me as the person I was, and ignorance on my part for not being able to accept the fact that nothing I did would make them value me as their peer. I felt wrong, rejected, a people pleaser who was unable to please. A troubling time for me as far as troubling times can go. But I wasn’t different, just misunderstood.

I may not of expected too much from growing up, but naively, after school I had hoped it would get better. I was convinced that if I made a life for myself, if I set the foundations, surely the rest would follow. All this steamed from a difficult financial upbringing, I really just wanted the chance to feel what every other child, teenager or adult was apparently feeling. Stability, financial support, a home to run to when things got too hard. I didn’t have this option, I knew when I moved out that I will never have that option. So Instead I grew up with the understanding that I had to be extremely cautious in life. When I was younger I would constantly wish I had money, then when I got older, any money that I made I kept a hold of.  …Just in case something happens…  I would tell myself. I was so used to mishaps that it became an obsession. Security was all I wanted in the end right? Even when I moved out, I was repeatedly turning down, doing fun things with friends because I just had to save for bills. I knew I would be like this, at least I was prepared for that, even if they weren’t.

Security. The word glided through my nerves and slipped into my mind. It wasn’t a threat, only a mild sedative. I was simply programmed into this way of life now. I had to support the pressure and responsibilities I had created and I wasn’t willing to give any of it up. But the pressure became my host. In a panic I let myself believe that I wasn’t lost. Just more focused, more willing to do what I could, to build my life up to the pedestal I had set long, long ago. The word fun became a disease, I worked hard and I saved. There was nothing more to it. I had a goal, I would get that stability that I was so clearly deprived of.

But I felt overwhelmed, cornered with no where to turn. I soon understood that this obsession was unhealthy. Had society turned me into a monster, or had I? I finally understood that I was depressed, and instead of dealing with this issue, I had created a persona. I wanted to fit in so badly, be valued and recognised as an adult, that I became a different person, with a warped view on adulthood.  I managed to go years without really living, Instead I was a bystander in my own life. A faded shadow.

The moment everything began to change wasn’t sudden, it was a gradual process, a couple of confusing months, a couple of secret’s let slip, a lot of me began to change. I didn’t want to be the pressured idea that I had created, I wanted to be able to enjoy myself and see my friends and start living my life. I wanted to be me.

One thing I have learned is that the pressure you feel is your own, most of the time. Something my partner has taught me is that you can take control of what you can control, but you need to let go of what you can’t. And being able to adjust to that attitude has been a breakthrough in my own growth. Being able to finally find joy in things and spend money on myself (responsibly) is a blessing, and something I never thought I could ever feel without fear of judgement.  Still, I wont deny the fact that adulthood is tough, feeling overwhelmed and having no over option than to deal with it is a way of life as an adult.  But I have found a healthy way to deal with it. (Except mornings, that shit will never get old).

It’s funny that we allow ourselves to be told by society what is right and what is wrong, there is no leeway. It’s basically ‘Here’s the guide book, follow it or be deemed socially different’. In a nutshell, I tried and I failed and then I thought to myself. After years of trying to fit in, all the pressure from caring too much of what other people thought. I am so done with it. Because that’s the beauty of adulthood, at the end of the day, it is your life.  Unless you let them, no one can do or say anything that is going to stop your emotional growth. You make your own mistakes, and you decide if you are going to take it as an opportunity to grow. You eventually learn that you can rise above it all. You can rise above depression, you can rise above hardships and you can most certainly rise above yourself. And in the end, I did that. In the end, I allowed myself to have a happy life.

 

And I love my life…for the most part. 😉

 

Kyra xo

 

 

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5 common types of relationships

The ‘first love’

As a past-believer in everlasting love, like the hopeless romantic I am, there were no words to describe my feelings of betrayal when I  discovered that my ‘one and only’ was not to be. Looking back I realise that my expectations for the relationship were probably a tad  too high. Oh, ok fine – my expectations were so far past the line, that i couldn’t even see it. My relationship with my ex can be compared to a race. I was one of those really really fast horses with one of those pretentious horsey names like wellingtonbanks full of adrenaline and my ex was a snail, a really relaxed snail just going at his own casual pace, probably called chad or something. That sounds like a reasonable snail name.

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Anyway, you always start at the beginning of this race together, side by side,  my ex being a snail and and me being a horse, waiting for that moment that lets us know it’s okay to go for it and give it our everything.  The start is always the best part, you have a clear path ahead of you and you are in this together. But my horsey instincts kick in and I end up going a lot faster than my ex, I take over him, leaving him to trail behind. And eventually I pass the finish line, in relationship terms years before he does.  Spending the remainder of my time waiting for him to catch up and be my equal again.  But of course it becomes clear that he wont be reaching me any time soon. So I end up spending the most part of the relationship continuing down a lone path filled with crazed ideas about where we are both heading. When in reality, it’s not going anywhere, because essentially I have grown up and moved on, leaving my ex half way through the race.  This is naturally my first love in a nutshell. Me wanting to finish the race and “settle down” and my ex wanting to take his time and live in the moment. Unfortunately a little too much.  And it is probably the case for most first loves. One will try to move too fast, while the other is reluctant.  You out grow each other and decide we want more than what that person can offer and they deserve more than what we can offer them. It is all really quite sad.

But fear not my loved up cherubs, there are plenty of childhood sweethearts still going strong. I’m not saying it is impossible, just that it’s  definitely more realistic.

The one night stand

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I haven’t had many one night stand’s, only two to count. One I didn’t know and I regret, and the other I did know and I don’t regret it at all. See that’s the thing with me, I’ve never liked the idea of sleeping with someone you don’t know. It kind of freaks me out, and I have no idea why I decided to go ahead with it.  It’s not about body confidence or the ability to perform. I have no issues there. It just relates back to my undeniable awkwardness and social anxiety. The thing I worry most about is the next morning. I mean it’s completely acceptable to look a trainwreck during sex, because let’s face it, the guy isn’t going to start complaining about your panda eye’s when you are giving him head. He’s only going to be thinking about the fact that you’re giving him head. It’s when you are both moderately sober and aware of how much of a mess you look and how little you know about them. That’s what freaks me out. What are you supposed to say? Um, hi could you please leave because you are making me uncomfortable, and I would like to continue walking around being a mess and feeling sorry for my hungover self in peace. If it was with someone you know at least you could justify your messy hair do and make-up free face with it’s ok, he’s already seen me like this before.

The rebound

Rebound

We’ve all been there. The guy you secretly really liked during your last relationship but never acted on until you ended things with your boyfriend. The one that seemed like a really down to earth and nice guy. He was all magical and different and you fell for him like a deer in the headlights because you both had loads of things in common, but it turns out he was really just a dick,  He didn’t really get you and it didn’t feel right. And the things you had in common were pretty much made up because you were so desperate to feel that closeness with someone again. I bet you the sex was really good am I right? Yes, well good for you. Bravo on putting on your sexiest pants and be a sexual unicorn. But that’s all it was really about wasn’t it? Pretty much a prolonged one night stand. . And that my friends is why it is called  “The rebound” because it isn’t destined to last. And there’s a reason for that.

The internet romance that wasn’t so romantic after all

Remember msn messenger? Aye, well back in the day I used it mostly for flirtatious conversations with overly exaggerated emotions and updating my pm to who ever I fancied that week.  I spent far too much time chatting away to guys I had never met and assuming that they were my boyfriend. It’s kind of what you do as a young teenager, you get to know someone over the internet, and you begin to obsess over them. So much so that you send them nudges until they respond to your large beating heart emotion you sent them merely a second ago. It’s the right of passage as a teenage girl -or at least it was. We all experience an internet romance. But what I learned was that when the time comes to finally meet the person you have been obsessing over, it’s kind of an anti-climax. You spend months “getting to know them before you take the plunge and met them in flesh. It is then when it hits you that even though you know so much about them. You don’t really know them. So the meeting turns out to be actually pretty awkward and although you both usually have so much to say, you suddenly feel quite guarded. You realise they know some of your darkest secrets and being with them makes you uncomfortable. All that talk about all the things you are going to do together and all that sexual tension exchanged in the form of winky faces suddenly means nothing. After the awkward encounter you don’t speak as much and one day you notice your name has been replaced on their pm and you feel a little betrayed and heartbroken. You stop speaking all together and forget about them.

The one that has potential

There’s always that relationship that starts of as just a friendship but over time it gradually becomes more. You aren’t really expecting anything to happen and you kinda wish it would. But you just keep going along being friends until it all suddenly kicks off. It’s unexpected, new and scary, but it feels right.

He’s the friend you’ve always had a thing for. You both share the same kind of silly humour and you get on a little too well.  He’s the kindest man you have ever met. He doesn’t put you down instead he lifts you up, he doesn’t judge you – he listens, and he hasn’t ever disappointed you. He puts in the effort and doesn’t ever blow hot and cold. He shows you affection and he has no problems expressing his emotions. You feel safe with him, and you feel calm. You love spending time with him and you find him interesting. Most of all you respect him and you trust him. He is a good person and he is worth every second of your time.

And there is a sort of clarity within yourself when you come across someone like this. If they have potential, don’t miss out! Just go for it. It could be the beginning of something brilliant. There are decent people out there, you just have to take the time of day and get to know them.

p.s. Nice guys do not finish last.

What goes up, must come down. Should it really?

The phrase “What goes up, must come down” can relate to a lot of things. Like, for instance,  if I were to throw a ball up in the air, there is no point questioning whether or not it will come back down. Because the laws of gravity does not allow the ball to stay up in the air for very long. (unless it got stuck in a tree)

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So, let’s say I’m the ball. Naturally the function of the ball is to be hit in the face continuously whether that being from a tennis racket or the ground. Am i right?  Aye, so It’s a bit like my life, obviously there has been times growing up where it feels as though I am getting a smack in the face , personally… from life, because life hates me and i’m a teenager and nothing is getting better blaa.  So i’m a ball and i’m trying so hard to stay up in the air  for as long as possible and feel that sense of freedom, that feeling of peace. But it won’t last long, because that’s not how life works – because apparently life is a rollercoaster- and also because I’m a ball and I’ve already described how that ends.

I have gone through my first 19 years with this unbelievably stupid belief that as soon as something good happens to me, something bad will eventually follow – To justify it, I tell myself that there needs to be a balance. Me? Happy? All the time you say? HAHAHAHA. I’m not that lucky!

I know that I’m not one of these lucky people, who go through life with everything handed to them on a plate. And I never will be, because who wants everything done for them?  I have always wanted to be recognised as a hard working person. And I count myself lucky that I have the opportunity to do so.  But then why do I see someone who is happy all the time as ‘lucky.’  Why do I have this attitude towards it, as though 1 in 6 people are privileged enough to be this way. We choose how we feel, even if we don’t realise it. So why should I believe in such a negative theory towards my life. Why should I assume shit will eventually hit the fan because I am happy with how my life is going right now. That is probably one of the most confusing theories I have ever came across and tried to accept as a positive thing. I think, if you want to be happy-You will be happy. BUT, only if you are willing to put in the effort to change what is bringing you down. Whether that be a bad relationship, a number of bad friends, a  personal reason or a crappy job. Only you can make you happy. No one can do it for you.

So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on this year so far and I’ve realised just how happy I am.  And I’m sorry if  i’m coming across as being that ‘i’m so happy’-let me rub it your face person right now. But..

Everything has come together, infact I’ve come together in a way I could of never even imagined and I am entirely grateful for every single person who helped me grow. Of course there had been moments, these past few months where I faced hardship’s just like every other person. And I very nearly let it bring me down, and I nearly allowed myself to return to that negative state of mind I had been carrying with me for too long.

I began questioning myself. Why should I let these weak moment define how I am? with and towards others. And why did I accept that ‘what goes up, must come down.’ Because I  really don’t anymore. You can still be happy despite the bad things happening in your life. You’re allowed to feel sorry for yourself, and you are allowed to feel sad, but why let it drag you down. I would much rather try and be positive and be kind to other’s. I would rather assume that ok, life can suck sometimes…but it doesn’t mean I have to suck with it. – I can change this, I can be happy.

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Diary post #1

Before you instantly judge me for being so personal, let me raise my small tiny hands up to your face and stop you right there. Need I remind you that we are all guilty of being personal on Facebook, so much so that we practically go out. Y’know, like “ooh Facebook look what I had for lunch.” – Instagram’s photo of mediocre food to Facebook  (yes I am terrible for it) or “Hey Facebook, how’s your day been?..actually I don’t care, here’s a minute by minute reconstruction of when I nearly got hit by a car on my extra exciting journey to work.”

…Besides, I’ve misplaced my diary and my Microsoft Word has expired.

I’m not going to start this with so there’s this guy because that is the way my 12-year-old self would write and yes, I may still look that age, but I’m turning 20 this year, so let’s not. I’ll start this with a more serious tone.

I would like to have sexual relations with him…like all the time.

Hahahaha, joking!

That was a lie..I do, I really do.

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Anyway, it’s not about sex this time, i’m not looking for just sex. (Bet you’re all like, ‘interesting was she before?..what a slut’)  I wasn’t even looking for anything until I realised that’s what I wanted. Does that make sense? I think time to myself was what I needed, and I’m glad I listened to my friends and family and took it. It wasn’t a huge amount of time – just a few months. But everyone is different and it was enough for me to become my own person again, reevaluate and remind myself of my goals and my ambitions, remind myself that I’m not all bad and find a way to like myself again – I learned to embrace the positive things about myself and my life. And somehow it ended up with me cooing frantically over this guy, because according to my brain, he’s a positive influence in my life. Woops!

It wasn’t like I was spending my days actively searching for another relationship. I was investing my time learning how to be with myself – I was concentrating on improving myself and my flaws. I wasn’t on the prowl for a new boyfriend because as much as I love relationships I also enjoy being single – So I’ve learned.

But then once my mind was clear and I was more self-aware of my emotions, I kind of accidently fell for him. Funny how that works, it always seems to happen when you aren’t paying attention.

To be honest, I’ve always liked him, since we first started talking. I felt an instant connection with him, and it’s rare for me to come across that. I have come across a variety of different connections with people over the years.

  1. The connection that I have with my family.
  2. The connection I feel with my closest friends.
  3. And then there’s the connection you feel with someone, an ‘instant connection’, a strong chemistry between the two of you, a sort of deeper understanding of one another.

It’s difficult to explain, but that’s how I feel when I’m with him. I can literally feel the chemistry bounce off of us, and It sounds ridiculous but I get the feeling he feels it too. Could it be a lot of sexual tension, probably. But I also think it’s more than that. I like him on a much deeper level, I like him in a way I have never liked anyone before. It’s different, and I’m open to the idea of it because I know that if it does ever happen, it’ll be good for me. And not in the sense I’ll be in a relationship again and it’ll get me out of the single life, NO. Because quite frankly, I don’t mind being single at all, I just mean that I know that it feels right, and that if the opportunity came along I would gladly jump aboard..Literally too 😉 because I know I would learn a lot from him and maybe that’s what this connection is all about. Maybe he’s wandered into my life for that exact purpose.

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Life lessons

I’m doing it again. I’m lying in bed satisfied with finishing my book, but not with my thoughts. My mind is drifting into the unknown, the reckless line between negative and positive. This is the part where I explain how I cringed, whined and cried with my face firmly under my pillow for ever gracing this earth. The part where I tell you I’m once again over analysing events from the other week and also from years ago. Thinking about how I wish I could change how things in my past happened. If only I tried more with this and if only I did that. But I stopped myself before my mind took that small but unsteady step over the line. Something I am learning as I grow up is that life is never what it seems. It’s not easy and it’s not hard. It’s not bad or good. It’s what YOU make of it. Sometimes everything could be going fantastic and then suddenly it all changes. A chain reaction unfolding before your eyes. Believe me or not but you are either going to understand why it has happened or you won’t. And that understanding may be sudden or a realisation later in life. I’m not sure why I have so much faith in, let’s call it the ‘order of things’ but I know from experience, there is a reason for everything. We meet certain people to get to next place, like a transport system of your life and people are the transport. We have friends, lovers, even family who come and go. People teach you a lesson, good or bad and you/they move on. I wouldn’t be where I am now if I wasn’t for my first love, and now we’ve both moved on but we are still connected in a way. I wouldn’t be the same person if I hadn’t gone through the heartbreak and the hurt, if I chose to stay. He taught me many lessons good and bad and i’m a better person because of it.

And i’m waiting for someone to comment and scream ‘bullshit’ at me. But, in my opinion it’s up to the individual to either take a positive note from their past events, or a negative one. We have all gone through terrible times, and we have all gone through wonderful times. We learn through experience and we create our own opinions, our own morals and judgements on the past and how we are going to structure our future. And although we don’t believe it sometimes, we have full control of ourselves.

Tonight I am appreciating life, forgetting about the past I cannot change and living in the now.

And I am also going to sleep 🙂
And I also like you, because you are reading this and that makes me happy…cats.