learning

Reflection

Throughout my life, I have reflected on my actions, my choices, and my feelings, and today is no exception.

Towards the end of university, I thrived off the simplicity of success and the feeling of working towards a common goal. My aim was to graduate with honours. Of course, this was a desire that everyone had, that was the point of it.Yet surprisingly, in the beginning, I didn’t. See the truth is, I expected to fail, even though I have already gotten so far. I doubted my ability, my intelligence, and I battled with my own negative outlook. But university changed my way of thinking.

In the beginning of university my natural reactions to most things were primed by a negative mind. I was clouded, so whenever something good happened, say for instance, getting results back and sharing them with others, I would feel embarrassed and awkward. When I quietly announced to a friend over a table that I got a B in my portfolio, I watched their reactions, their smiles and I would smile back with an apologetic look on my face. Why, because I wanted to shout and jump about it, but gloating wasn’t my normal way of doing things, I was embarrassed for allowing people to feel excited for me. I was being fussed over and instead of feeling grateful for such a positive reaction, I looked for anything to turn around and enforce my negative opinion of myself and my achievements. It was so bad that I would take congratulations from lecturers with a pinch of salt, go home and think about how I could have done so much better.Simply Because I truly believed I wasn’t good enough. I was so deep into my own self-loathing, I couldn’t comprehend positivity, and that is a truly terrifying thing.

But the thing was, the people in my life didn’t cater to my darkness like I wanted, they smiled and cheered, and egged me on. The issue I was faced with was that my self-doubting was so bad, my sense of judgement of progression and achievement was seriously clouded. But university gave me my guts back, and the friends I had and made along the way pushed me to celebrate the small things, and most importantly my boyfriend changed how I saw myself, loved me no matter. And so, I reflected some more.

See, like all humans, we reflect on our actions, our feelings and our patterns that we develop. Over the years, I accepted that feeling ashamed about wanting to be better and successful was just a response, driven by past events to my own inner issues. I accepted that I was reinforcing my own idea about myself, and it started to become clear, that I saw myself differently to everyone else in my life. I was always quick to celebrate other people’s achievements but I had finally begun to feel proud of my own. University and the people within it gave me that. I started listening intently to those words, watching those reactions and changing my own perception of myself. I felt like I was finally in control.

As I went through my final two years of university. I took on board the constructive criticism from lecturers and let it guide me. I put myself into situations I would never have dreamed of. I worked for Sky News and threw myself into an internship at a publishing house I wanted to work for. I wrote about something that interested me and got it published. I chose a difficult and interesting topic about reporting on trauma for my dissertation, I interviewed very successful people in the business and didn’t feel unequal. I did these things because I believed in myself and listened to those who believed in me too. I did these things because I wanted to be the best of myself without the negative outlook.

On reflection, if there is one thing I am sure of, it is that we continue to grow – up and better – all at once, and the challenges we face are sometimes obstacles we place before ourselves, because we either don’t know any better, or we haven’t allowed ourselves to be better. But with a bit of reflection, we can all get through this, challenge ourselves to be the good within and not what we are told, but who we are and how we feel.

Diary post #1

Before you instantly judge me for being so personal, let me raise my small tiny hands up to your face and stop you right there. Need I remind you that we are all guilty of being personal on Facebook, so much so that we practically go out. Y’know, like “ooh Facebook look what I had for lunch.” – Instagram’s photo of mediocre food to Facebook  (yes I am terrible for it) or “Hey Facebook, how’s your day been?..actually I don’t care, here’s a minute by minute reconstruction of when I nearly got hit by a car on my extra exciting journey to work.”

…Besides, I’ve misplaced my diary and my Microsoft Word has expired.

I’m not going to start this with so there’s this guy because that is the way my 12-year-old self would write and yes, I may still look that age, but I’m turning 20 this year, so let’s not. I’ll start this with a more serious tone.

I would like to have sexual relations with him…like all the time.

Hahahaha, joking!

That was a lie..I do, I really do.

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Anyway, it’s not about sex this time, i’m not looking for just sex. (Bet you’re all like, ‘interesting was she before?..what a slut’)  I wasn’t even looking for anything until I realised that’s what I wanted. Does that make sense? I think time to myself was what I needed, and I’m glad I listened to my friends and family and took it. It wasn’t a huge amount of time – just a few months. But everyone is different and it was enough for me to become my own person again, reevaluate and remind myself of my goals and my ambitions, remind myself that I’m not all bad and find a way to like myself again – I learned to embrace the positive things about myself and my life. And somehow it ended up with me cooing frantically over this guy, because according to my brain, he’s a positive influence in my life. Woops!

It wasn’t like I was spending my days actively searching for another relationship. I was investing my time learning how to be with myself – I was concentrating on improving myself and my flaws. I wasn’t on the prowl for a new boyfriend because as much as I love relationships I also enjoy being single – So I’ve learned.

But then once my mind was clear and I was more self-aware of my emotions, I kind of accidently fell for him. Funny how that works, it always seems to happen when you aren’t paying attention.

To be honest, I’ve always liked him, since we first started talking. I felt an instant connection with him, and it’s rare for me to come across that. I have come across a variety of different connections with people over the years.

  1. The connection that I have with my family.
  2. The connection I feel with my closest friends.
  3. And then there’s the connection you feel with someone, an ‘instant connection’, a strong chemistry between the two of you, a sort of deeper understanding of one another.

It’s difficult to explain, but that’s how I feel when I’m with him. I can literally feel the chemistry bounce off of us, and It sounds ridiculous but I get the feeling he feels it too. Could it be a lot of sexual tension, probably. But I also think it’s more than that. I like him on a much deeper level, I like him in a way I have never liked anyone before. It’s different, and I’m open to the idea of it because I know that if it does ever happen, it’ll be good for me. And not in the sense I’ll be in a relationship again and it’ll get me out of the single life, NO. Because quite frankly, I don’t mind being single at all, I just mean that I know that it feels right, and that if the opportunity came along I would gladly jump aboard..Literally too 😉 because I know I would learn a lot from him and maybe that’s what this connection is all about. Maybe he’s wandered into my life for that exact purpose.

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