Change

Beyond the gentle waves is where the real turbulence lies.

​I knew I needed time off work, but I didn’t realise just how much being there was causing these negative feelings I was experiencing every single day. I thought it was my just my general mood, because I was struggling to find my feet as a journalism graduate. I thought it was because of the mudane pressures that come with being an adult.

Still, a few days away was enough to put things into perspective for me. I went away to places I had never been before and I explored.It gave me a moment of pure calm as I looked up to the moody sky and realised for once I didn’t feel the same. I took a deep breathe and then watched the waves of Loch Lomond roll out and into the roots of outgrown trees.  As myself and my boyfriend crossed a wooden bridge we peered over like excited children, chatting about all the different kinds of pebbles. We discussed and challenged the easiest route to get around a slightly alarming puddle. We saw some ducks. I was content.

Walking is my therapy, so these trips became more than just your every day stroll. I ended up with the kind of soul-searching, outwith my usual boundries kind of walk which usually occurs when life is in the process of adapting around you.

Walking brought up feelings, and it was refreshing to break through the numb quiet I have become used to, a gentle reminder that despite my moment of calm, I am still struggling.

Most people in my life know this, that mentally, physically and financially I am drained. 

Though it may be unbelievable, I am still happy, I have very good friends, and I like coming home to my supportive and intelligent partner. (And of course my cats). But when i go to work, I become sad. It’s like a shift in personality. I stiffen, I expect negativity, to be talked down to, to be cursed at, shouted at irrationally. But I can handle that. It comes with the job and you find positivty and kindness goes a long way in dealings with these situations. But I become unbearably sad and it isn’t right. Work doesn’t give me any feeling of pride, I no longer feel a sense of achievement. I feel stuck, badly paid and unappreciated. I am not happy about the way things are run, or with some of the people “running it” I am unhappy not just because of me, but having to watch everyone else I have grown attached too struggle and feel just the same in varying ways. 

It is a workplace that is in no way shape or form forward thinking about the welfare of its employees, nor their livelihoods. Everything is a bother, or a problem. You request a day off weeks in advance and you are verbally called a pest. You work your socks off, you produce sales, instead of gratitude, you gain nothing. It is a still silence.

It is an expected silence.

And so you watch a manager get a hefty bonus for sitting in an office huffing about its awful staff and how everything is left for them to do, because we are incapable. While the staff and other management are hard at work serving, dealing with the everyday issues and nonchalantly working away, indifferent to the opinion of one on their individual abilities.

I spend most my time there, but this work is not my life, just my livelehood. And that is something I am made to feel ashamed of and restricted to. I did not spend 5 years studying journalism to be forced into a weirdly controlled working environment that tells you how to feel, or do, without reflection, a moment of creativity, a challenge or offer any prospects. It is not a happy workplace and I will never lie about that. 

So my time off has been very much a rude awakening. 

I already knew I was stuck and there is nothing I can do about that until I can find a new job.  While I never expected to be in this position, at least time off has confirmed what the problem is, that I need mental stimulus and respect. I need more than this and that is completely okay. It is a simple conclusion but a sign of a changing attitude, because if there is one thing I do best, it is that I believe I adapt well, even if I don’t realise at the time.

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From Adult To Adult

“Ouch”. I moan, as my kitten’s perfectly refined claws retract out of my calves. He senses the tension between us and as an act of avoiding responsibility, performs a jump and sprint through the flat. All the while, I’m bent over falling bum first into my hallway wall, trying frantically to put my shoes on and tie my laces in a manner, I am sure is exclusive to the anxious and clumsy. As always I am late, which means I must perform the ritual of all my morning rituals. Check I have my keys, check again, run across the road and through the traffic lights, hold down my flying lanyard, wipe my watery eyes from the wind, keep the contents of my bag safe as I check that I have my card (and my keys). I try and hide my shame and my wind tears, as I sprint awkwardly to the station, past all my neighbours and takeaway providers.

They know, I will tell myself, that even as a fully grown 20 year old women, I still fucking hate mornings.

Growing up, I was never under the assumption that life was going to be an easy ride. As a child, I was constantly observing and going through the struggles of life, only from a younger perspective. Though I may not have been physically dealing with things like an adult would, emotionally I was. I became a worrier, a title that had rudely gatecrashed my life.

I didn’t know what I was expecting of adulthood, I don’t think anyone does. All I had to base it on was from watching my mother bring me and my sister up. From that, I guess I had already learned that life was unexpected, mean and incredibly unfair. It was full of mishaps and responsibilities and yet, it taught me an important lesson. I learned that opportunity is only an opportunity if you see it as one. As a teenager, I took this idea on aggressively, because I wanted nothing more than stability. I wanted what everyone else ‘had’.

This attitude was clearly one of the reasons people perceived me as odd during school. I was mocked for wanting to better my life. Mocked for wanting to get a flat instead of go to halls, laughed at for having a savings account. Posters about me and my ex stuck on walls for this that and everything else. It was ignorance on their part, for not being able to accept me as the person I was, and ignorance on my part for not being able to accept the fact that nothing I did would make them value me as their peer. I felt wrong, rejected, a people pleaser who was unable to please. A troubling time for me as far as troubling times can go. But I wasn’t different, just misunderstood.

I may not of expected too much from growing up, but naively, after school I had hoped it would get better. I was convinced that if I made a life for myself, if I set the foundations, surely the rest would follow. All this steamed from a difficult financial upbringing, I really just wanted the chance to feel what every other child, teenager or adult was apparently feeling. Stability, financial support, a home to run to when things got too hard. I didn’t have this option, I knew when I moved out that I will never have that option. So Instead I grew up with the understanding that I had to be extremely cautious in life. When I was younger I would constantly wish I had money, then when I got older, any money that I made I kept a hold of.  …Just in case something happens…  I would tell myself. I was so used to mishaps that it became an obsession. Security was all I wanted in the end right? Even when I moved out, I was repeatedly turning down, doing fun things with friends because I just had to save for bills. I knew I would be like this, at least I was prepared for that, even if they weren’t.

Security. The word glided through my nerves and slipped into my mind. It wasn’t a threat, only a mild sedative. I was simply programmed into this way of life now. I had to support the pressure and responsibilities I had created and I wasn’t willing to give any of it up. But the pressure became my host. In a panic I let myself believe that I wasn’t lost. Just more focused, more willing to do what I could, to build my life up to the pedestal I had set long, long ago. The word fun became a disease, I worked hard and I saved. There was nothing more to it. I had a goal, I would get that stability that I was so clearly deprived of.

But I felt overwhelmed, cornered with no where to turn. I soon understood that this obsession was unhealthy. Had society turned me into a monster, or had I? I finally understood that I was depressed, and instead of dealing with this issue, I had created a persona. I wanted to fit in so badly, be valued and recognised as an adult, that I became a different person, with a warped view on adulthood.  I managed to go years without really living, Instead I was a bystander in my own life. A faded shadow.

The moment everything began to change wasn’t sudden, it was a gradual process, a couple of confusing months, a couple of secret’s let slip, a lot of me began to change. I didn’t want to be the pressured idea that I had created, I wanted to be able to enjoy myself and see my friends and start living my life. I wanted to be me.

One thing I have learned is that the pressure you feel is your own, most of the time. Something my partner has taught me is that you can take control of what you can control, but you need to let go of what you can’t. And being able to adjust to that attitude has been a breakthrough in my own growth. Being able to finally find joy in things and spend money on myself (responsibly) is a blessing, and something I never thought I could ever feel without fear of judgement.  Still, I wont deny the fact that adulthood is tough, feeling overwhelmed and having no over option than to deal with it is a way of life as an adult.  But I have found a healthy way to deal with it. (Except mornings, that shit will never get old).

It’s funny that we allow ourselves to be told by society what is right and what is wrong, there is no leeway. It’s basically ‘Here’s the guide book, follow it or be deemed socially different’. In a nutshell, I tried and I failed and then I thought to myself. After years of trying to fit in, all the pressure from caring too much of what other people thought. I am so done with it. Because that’s the beauty of adulthood, at the end of the day, it is your life.  Unless you let them, no one can do or say anything that is going to stop your emotional growth. You make your own mistakes, and you decide if you are going to take it as an opportunity to grow. You eventually learn that you can rise above it all. You can rise above depression, you can rise above hardships and you can most certainly rise above yourself. And in the end, I did that. In the end, I allowed myself to have a happy life.

 

And I love my life…for the most part. 😉

 

Kyra xo

 

 

Why I believe keeping things private is actually pretty important

Now I know what you are all thinking, you are looking at my title in disbelief. You were just having an innocent scroll through Facebook or Twitter and then bam. I hit you with this ‘keeping things private shite’ and you’re just sitting there thinking. Like, is she being serious right now? How can she even say that? I get where you are coming from random citizen. I mean lets be honest, one of my last Facebook posts was about having a sex dream.

Maybe you think my title is misleading, because I’m not exactly the most private person out there. I talk about sex far too much, In fact I love talking about sex nearly as much as I love having sex. You could say I’m obssessed, I could probably agree.

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But this is who I am. Everyone in my life knows I will always be an open person. That will never ever change. I will always openly discuss my issues to people I trust and I will always give my honest advice with theirs. 

And I will always openly discuss sex.

Some people get that, others don’t. That’s fine, we are all different people, with different views on what is morally acceptable in this society. But c’mon now. We live in a world filled with prostitutes, drugs, murder and unfaithful partners. (just a small list of what’s wrong in this world) Give a girl a break eh? This isn’t the 1950’s. I’m an independent women. (cue me dancing ridiculously to Destiny’s child)

But all I can say is that, if you are intimidated by the fact that I am confident discussing what I like and exactly how I like it, then..well? What are you expecting from me? I won’t apologise for who I am, I won’t apologise for being more comfortable with myself than you are. I just don’t expect you to make public digs at me about what I say. You feel me bro? No? Ok then, how about you and your negative attitude go stand on an unexpected piece of lego. Doesn’t feel good does it?

 

You’re are probably thinking I have some warped sort of view on sex, like it’s no big deal. But if you read my previous posts you would know that I respect relationships, and that I’m not really into one night stands. And I have no problem with people that like them. But In my opinion, sex with someone you care about is and always will be a big deal. Something private between the two of you. Something you wouldn’t hear me openly chatting about on Facebook or with acquaintances. It is important to respect that kind of privacy. And that is what I have learned from the past few months.

I have taken that level of privacy on board, and put it towards certain aspects of my life. I know for certain that it’s best to be a little more private about a new relationship. Maybe I should stop telling everyone how much I love cat’s. Maybe I should stop blogging about everything?

Now if I stopped the last two, I would be trying to suppress a part of me that cannot be suppressed. I like expressing how I feel. I like being me. I’m just learning to be a better version of myself.

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5 common types of relationships

The ‘first love’

As a past-believer in everlasting love, like the hopeless romantic I am, there were no words to describe my feelings of betrayal when I  discovered that my ‘one and only’ was not to be. Looking back I realise that my expectations for the relationship were probably a tad  too high. Oh, ok fine – my expectations were so far past the line, that i couldn’t even see it. My relationship with my ex can be compared to a race. I was one of those really really fast horses with one of those pretentious horsey names like wellingtonbanks full of adrenaline and my ex was a snail, a really relaxed snail just going at his own casual pace, probably called chad or something. That sounds like a reasonable snail name.

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Anyway, you always start at the beginning of this race together, side by side,  my ex being a snail and and me being a horse, waiting for that moment that lets us know it’s okay to go for it and give it our everything.  The start is always the best part, you have a clear path ahead of you and you are in this together. But my horsey instincts kick in and I end up going a lot faster than my ex, I take over him, leaving him to trail behind. And eventually I pass the finish line, in relationship terms years before he does.  Spending the remainder of my time waiting for him to catch up and be my equal again.  But of course it becomes clear that he wont be reaching me any time soon. So I end up spending the most part of the relationship continuing down a lone path filled with crazed ideas about where we are both heading. When in reality, it’s not going anywhere, because essentially I have grown up and moved on, leaving my ex half way through the race.  This is naturally my first love in a nutshell. Me wanting to finish the race and “settle down” and my ex wanting to take his time and live in the moment. Unfortunately a little too much.  And it is probably the case for most first loves. One will try to move too fast, while the other is reluctant.  You out grow each other and decide we want more than what that person can offer and they deserve more than what we can offer them. It is all really quite sad.

But fear not my loved up cherubs, there are plenty of childhood sweethearts still going strong. I’m not saying it is impossible, just that it’s  definitely more realistic.

The one night stand

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I haven’t had many one night stand’s, only two to count. One I didn’t know and I regret, and the other I did know and I don’t regret it at all. See that’s the thing with me, I’ve never liked the idea of sleeping with someone you don’t know. It kind of freaks me out, and I have no idea why I decided to go ahead with it.  It’s not about body confidence or the ability to perform. I have no issues there. It just relates back to my undeniable awkwardness and social anxiety. The thing I worry most about is the next morning. I mean it’s completely acceptable to look a trainwreck during sex, because let’s face it, the guy isn’t going to start complaining about your panda eye’s when you are giving him head. He’s only going to be thinking about the fact that you’re giving him head. It’s when you are both moderately sober and aware of how much of a mess you look and how little you know about them. That’s what freaks me out. What are you supposed to say? Um, hi could you please leave because you are making me uncomfortable, and I would like to continue walking around being a mess and feeling sorry for my hungover self in peace. If it was with someone you know at least you could justify your messy hair do and make-up free face with it’s ok, he’s already seen me like this before.

The rebound

Rebound

We’ve all been there. The guy you secretly really liked during your last relationship but never acted on until you ended things with your boyfriend. The one that seemed like a really down to earth and nice guy. He was all magical and different and you fell for him like a deer in the headlights because you both had loads of things in common, but it turns out he was really just a dick,  He didn’t really get you and it didn’t feel right. And the things you had in common were pretty much made up because you were so desperate to feel that closeness with someone again. I bet you the sex was really good am I right? Yes, well good for you. Bravo on putting on your sexiest pants and be a sexual unicorn. But that’s all it was really about wasn’t it? Pretty much a prolonged one night stand. . And that my friends is why it is called  “The rebound” because it isn’t destined to last. And there’s a reason for that.

The internet romance that wasn’t so romantic after all

Remember msn messenger? Aye, well back in the day I used it mostly for flirtatious conversations with overly exaggerated emotions and updating my pm to who ever I fancied that week.  I spent far too much time chatting away to guys I had never met and assuming that they were my boyfriend. It’s kind of what you do as a young teenager, you get to know someone over the internet, and you begin to obsess over them. So much so that you send them nudges until they respond to your large beating heart emotion you sent them merely a second ago. It’s the right of passage as a teenage girl -or at least it was. We all experience an internet romance. But what I learned was that when the time comes to finally meet the person you have been obsessing over, it’s kind of an anti-climax. You spend months “getting to know them before you take the plunge and met them in flesh. It is then when it hits you that even though you know so much about them. You don’t really know them. So the meeting turns out to be actually pretty awkward and although you both usually have so much to say, you suddenly feel quite guarded. You realise they know some of your darkest secrets and being with them makes you uncomfortable. All that talk about all the things you are going to do together and all that sexual tension exchanged in the form of winky faces suddenly means nothing. After the awkward encounter you don’t speak as much and one day you notice your name has been replaced on their pm and you feel a little betrayed and heartbroken. You stop speaking all together and forget about them.

The one that has potential

There’s always that relationship that starts of as just a friendship but over time it gradually becomes more. You aren’t really expecting anything to happen and you kinda wish it would. But you just keep going along being friends until it all suddenly kicks off. It’s unexpected, new and scary, but it feels right.

He’s the friend you’ve always had a thing for. You both share the same kind of silly humour and you get on a little too well.  He’s the kindest man you have ever met. He doesn’t put you down instead he lifts you up, he doesn’t judge you – he listens, and he hasn’t ever disappointed you. He puts in the effort and doesn’t ever blow hot and cold. He shows you affection and he has no problems expressing his emotions. You feel safe with him, and you feel calm. You love spending time with him and you find him interesting. Most of all you respect him and you trust him. He is a good person and he is worth every second of your time.

And there is a sort of clarity within yourself when you come across someone like this. If they have potential, don’t miss out! Just go for it. It could be the beginning of something brilliant. There are decent people out there, you just have to take the time of day and get to know them.

p.s. Nice guys do not finish last.

What goes up, must come down. Should it really?

The phrase “What goes up, must come down” can relate to a lot of things. Like, for instance,  if I were to throw a ball up in the air, there is no point questioning whether or not it will come back down. Because the laws of gravity does not allow the ball to stay up in the air for very long. (unless it got stuck in a tree)

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So, let’s say I’m the ball. Naturally the function of the ball is to be hit in the face continuously whether that being from a tennis racket or the ground. Am i right?  Aye, so It’s a bit like my life, obviously there has been times growing up where it feels as though I am getting a smack in the face , personally… from life, because life hates me and i’m a teenager and nothing is getting better blaa.  So i’m a ball and i’m trying so hard to stay up in the air  for as long as possible and feel that sense of freedom, that feeling of peace. But it won’t last long, because that’s not how life works – because apparently life is a rollercoaster- and also because I’m a ball and I’ve already described how that ends.

I have gone through my first 19 years with this unbelievably stupid belief that as soon as something good happens to me, something bad will eventually follow – To justify it, I tell myself that there needs to be a balance. Me? Happy? All the time you say? HAHAHAHA. I’m not that lucky!

I know that I’m not one of these lucky people, who go through life with everything handed to them on a plate. And I never will be, because who wants everything done for them?  I have always wanted to be recognised as a hard working person. And I count myself lucky that I have the opportunity to do so.  But then why do I see someone who is happy all the time as ‘lucky.’  Why do I have this attitude towards it, as though 1 in 6 people are privileged enough to be this way. We choose how we feel, even if we don’t realise it. So why should I believe in such a negative theory towards my life. Why should I assume shit will eventually hit the fan because I am happy with how my life is going right now. That is probably one of the most confusing theories I have ever came across and tried to accept as a positive thing. I think, if you want to be happy-You will be happy. BUT, only if you are willing to put in the effort to change what is bringing you down. Whether that be a bad relationship, a number of bad friends, a  personal reason or a crappy job. Only you can make you happy. No one can do it for you.

So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on this year so far and I’ve realised just how happy I am.  And I’m sorry if  i’m coming across as being that ‘i’m so happy’-let me rub it your face person right now. But..

Everything has come together, infact I’ve come together in a way I could of never even imagined and I am entirely grateful for every single person who helped me grow. Of course there had been moments, these past few months where I faced hardship’s just like every other person. And I very nearly let it bring me down, and I nearly allowed myself to return to that negative state of mind I had been carrying with me for too long.

I began questioning myself. Why should I let these weak moment define how I am? with and towards others. And why did I accept that ‘what goes up, must come down.’ Because I  really don’t anymore. You can still be happy despite the bad things happening in your life. You’re allowed to feel sorry for yourself, and you are allowed to feel sad, but why let it drag you down. I would much rather try and be positive and be kind to other’s. I would rather assume that ok, life can suck sometimes…but it doesn’t mean I have to suck with it. – I can change this, I can be happy.

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The importance of finding yourself

You’re sitting at home alone in your comfiest pair of jammies, armed with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s and a soppy rom-com you’ve watched a million times. It’s not because you are getting over a break-up, it’s not because you are feeling self-conscious or that you’ve had a bad day. It’s because you are enjoying your own company. It’s taken a lot of time for you to find this place, this state of mind where you don’t feel as though you have to be surrounded by people to have fun. Even back then, you weren’t really having that much fun anyway, you still felt lonely.

You remember that it wasn’t always like this, you grew up exploring woods and paths. You never felt the need to have company, because you were having fun doing things by yourself. But then as you grew older certain incidents happened and it changed you. You relied on others to make you happy. You craved affection, and acceptance more so than you should of, because you wanted to be loved – but not in the natural sense, more of a reminder that you were. You dived into a relationship with your best friend and fell in love, but as time went on you lost yourself and turned into someone else entirely. You were only ok when you were with him, he was the only thing keeping you together. As soon as he left you felt alone and unloved. You needed him too much. But you weren’t even happy with the relationship, you were only happy to see yourself as happy. The relationship past it’s sell-by date and you stayed, because you were a coward in your own right. Afraid of being alone, afraid of confronting any issues with your past and with yourself. You tried to fill that void by getting a puppy. You just wanted feel something, because you were so numb. But it only made matters worse. All you wanted was to be loved, but it wasn’t enough because you didn’t love yourself.

Then one day something changed, everything became clear. The life you built for yourself was not what you truly desired. What you really wanted was to find yourself again. Be the happy kid getting grounded because your mum caught you up a tree again– you wanted to feel grounded within yourself. And you were ready to change your life, so you did. You found the courage to find yourself and now you are living life just the way you should be – happy.

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Kyra xo

Life lessons

I’m doing it again. I’m lying in bed satisfied with finishing my book, but not with my thoughts. My mind is drifting into the unknown, the reckless line between negative and positive. This is the part where I explain how I cringed, whined and cried with my face firmly under my pillow for ever gracing this earth. The part where I tell you I’m once again over analysing events from the other week and also from years ago. Thinking about how I wish I could change how things in my past happened. If only I tried more with this and if only I did that. But I stopped myself before my mind took that small but unsteady step over the line. Something I am learning as I grow up is that life is never what it seems. It’s not easy and it’s not hard. It’s not bad or good. It’s what YOU make of it. Sometimes everything could be going fantastic and then suddenly it all changes. A chain reaction unfolding before your eyes. Believe me or not but you are either going to understand why it has happened or you won’t. And that understanding may be sudden or a realisation later in life. I’m not sure why I have so much faith in, let’s call it the ‘order of things’ but I know from experience, there is a reason for everything. We meet certain people to get to next place, like a transport system of your life and people are the transport. We have friends, lovers, even family who come and go. People teach you a lesson, good or bad and you/they move on. I wouldn’t be where I am now if I wasn’t for my first love, and now we’ve both moved on but we are still connected in a way. I wouldn’t be the same person if I hadn’t gone through the heartbreak and the hurt, if I chose to stay. He taught me many lessons good and bad and i’m a better person because of it.

And i’m waiting for someone to comment and scream ‘bullshit’ at me. But, in my opinion it’s up to the individual to either take a positive note from their past events, or a negative one. We have all gone through terrible times, and we have all gone through wonderful times. We learn through experience and we create our own opinions, our own morals and judgements on the past and how we are going to structure our future. And although we don’t believe it sometimes, we have full control of ourselves.

Tonight I am appreciating life, forgetting about the past I cannot change and living in the now.

And I am also going to sleep 🙂
And I also like you, because you are reading this and that makes me happy…cats.

Change Part II

Before you read this I would like to add that this is a self-reflecting blog post.

I have always found it fascinating that a person, a book, or a film can deliver such a powerful message that you are able to look at something with a completely new perspective. That’s how I felt during my History class in 5th year. Let me explain myself a little, my teacher Mrs Somerville had just finished teaching us about segregation in America, about the Jim Crow laws, lynching and eventually about a man named Martin Luther King. Now skip to a few months later, while I was studying for my extended essay, I have this vivid memory of me sitting at the computer on my mum’s weird stool (that wasn’t actually a stool but some sort of chair that was designed for back support but ironically gave me back ache.) So I’m sitting there with really bad back ache with my cat Oscar sitting on my lap, clawing at my knees. I had Leona Lewis’s album Echo playing and I had headphones in. I remember I was looking through pictures of lynchings, the people had been burned, mutilated or hung. It’s pictures like that you can’t unsee, you remember them for the rest of your life. I felt horrified, completed dumbfounded at how people could act so evil. I didn’t understand why someone wouldn’t accept another all because the colour of their skin. But the most important thing I remember from this memory was watching Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech. Now, it wasn’t my first time watching it, but it was the first time I really took it all in. Everything he was trying to articulate made complete sense.  He fought for and wanted change. Honestly I had never really considered myself as anything until then. I had always been ambitious yes, but never with a set goal. I was more like a baby bird learning to fly. I had no idea where I wanted to be or who I wanted to be. I went to bed thinking of the speech and it was that moment that I decided to make some changes.  Martin Luther King’s words gave me hope, just like millions before me. He is to this day remembered and I realised that was what I wanted. I wanted to be heard. I began to focus my efforts into building the life I wanted for myself. I had never really believed in myself until then, but my passion for history and for writing changed that.

My goal for a brighter future had begun just four short years earlier and fast forward to right now, I’m exactly where I planned to be. I may have left people behind, or new people have become part of my life. But in the end I set out a goal, and I achieved it. There is nothing more satisfying than that.Image

Change

The other day I was sitting on the train, heading home from work, I was doing what I always do. I was staring out the window. Except this time was different, the sun was shining and I was feeling good. I felt grateful for the life I had formed for myself, proud even. Then it occurred to me that this exact moment the year previous, I was a different person. I was miserable. I don’t particularly want to bring up the past but it’s valid to my point i’m expressing. At the time I was in what I thought was a solid relationship, we had been together for a long time, we were best friends, we had a flat together. We even shared the responsibility of another life, a husky named Mya. We were both studying, we both worked. I led a very busy life, so much so that I was cracking under the pressure of keeping this lifestyle I was living. I had fought so hard to get where I was that I struggled with the idea of losing it all so quickly.

I went through a similar moment back then to the one I had the other day, Except it wasn’t a moment of clarity, it was the overwhelming feeling of despair that I was losing control of the ‘perfect life’ I thought I had created. Truthfully I was more worried what everyone else thought and it was because of this that I was to afraid to let go of what was bringing me down. I justified in my head that leaving was giving up. I was so scared that being alone meant I wouldn’t be taken seriously, that losing pretty much everything I was used to meant that I would be lost. It took a horrible truth to make me change. And when I say change I don’t just mean a new direction in life because I was still working, I was still studying, I still lived in the same flat. I was still being the same old independent me. The only thing that really changed was my sense of who I was. I had let go of the hurt, I began feeling content with me, which was huge step in my own emotional growth, something that my past relationship suppressed. I couldn’t grow, I felt stuck, in a somewhat robotic pattern. We’ve all experienced the feeling of being totally and utterly lost within ourselves. This time, instead of letting the past define who I was, I took a minute to re-evaluate my life, to decide what I was wanting, how I wanted to live, and what I was going to do to make myself a better person. 

There will come a point in your life where change will casually run by and knock you off your feet, make you feel like you have lost control, but in reality all that has happened is you have been pushed out of your comfort zone and have been forced to adapt to the situation. That is the amazing thing about humans, we live to survive, to change to suit the environment around us. And the quicker we accept that change is for the majority of the time, a good thing, the easier and more peaceful it will be.