Time Heals You

I have always been quite skeptical with the whole idea of “time heals you.”

This is because I have spent a great deal of my life watching people I love follow a familiar circle of self-destruction over and over again– never learning, and never moving on. I’m not going to lie, myself included. It’s hard not to, especially in the world we live in. How are we to stay happy, when there is sadness everywhere? How can we live, if there is nothing to live for? That’s what the pessimist in me would of said only a year ago.

Growing up I was a terribly negative person. I used to let everything bring me down, I took everything to heart and fired back like a rusty old cannon, throwing a negative vibe back into the path of my ‘enemies’. I felt as though no one was on my side. So I spent a great deal of high school swallowed up in self-pity and insecurities, of course I had some reasoning to it. I did have an incredibly hard time in high school, but doesn’t everyone?

Sometimes I was nasty, irritable and selfish towards my friends and then boyfriend. None of them deserved that, all for the simple fact that I couldn’t control my own emotions.  I assumed that nobody cared for me and my problems – not even those closest.  To be honest, most people didn’t, and that was quite hard to accept growing up. But I was wrong about those who cared for me, and instead of opening up and sharing my issues, I bottled them up and I held on to them for dear life. I was too consumed in my own self-pity to pay attention to anyone around me. And that was a terribly negative state of mind to be in. I was in a bad place, just like 99.9% of the teenagers surrounding me at the lunch table.

Whenever I was in a bad place, the same patterns and behaviours that I developed during school would re-emerge and it became so frequent that it knocked my self-esteem and my desire to live. I didn’t want to do anything, I didn’t want to see anybody, but I hated being by myself because I see now that I didn’t like who I was. I was already losing myself before I even had a chance to find myself.  But that’s all about growing up isn’t it? The struggle to find yourself and what you want out of this world.

Once I moved away from the Isle of Bute I assumed everything would get better, that the mainland was my magical patch of green grass. I thought that I wouldn’t feel alone anymore and that maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t be so damn miserable. And for a while I’ll admit I did feel happy, but even that was short lived. I had thrown myself head first into ‘adult life’ and I had so much responsibility on my hands that I didn’t know how to cope. I was depended on and I spent a long time feeling as though everything was up to me, I ended up being more of a parent than a student.

Looking back at how I lived only a year ago scares me.  At the time, I brushed both mine and his bad behaviour aside, I accepted it rather than deal with it and this was all because I was too afraid to let go. More importantly, I was scared that if I let go, I would lose a part of me that I based my whole self on. Maybe I can go as far as saying, I had no idea who I actually was because I got so caught up being someone else’s ‘person’, that I really believed there was nothing left of me. I was very wrong of course.

As time went on I realised that my inability to grow was all down to the fact that I did not believe that I deserved these changes, I did not believe in myself. I think that sometimes we fail to recognise that losing a certain aspect of ourselves is not a bad thing but rather a good thing. We are not losing ourselves, we are simply adapting to our circumstances, we are growing.

For a long time, I was carrying about with me the attitude of a negative person. Quite frankly I guess I still was, and I have unknowingly been holding onto it until this spring. I started to really watch my behaviour and pay attentin to how I was reacting with people. Was I being rude or was I being nice? I knew that I had a tendency to project my mood onto others and I realised that I did not like that about myself.  I did not like me and I knew I had to change that if I was going to get anywhere in life.

This was my turning point, this was when I finally allowed myself to let go of everything I had been holding onto for a very long time. All the stress, all the anger, all the tears. I felt ready to move on and I knew it was time to concentrate on myself, because I didn’t want to be associated as someone who brought you down. I wanted to make people feel better, I wanted to have nice conversations and most of all, I wanted to be a better happier person.

In the end, time is important, you need it to grieve, you need to love and you need it to live. And sometimes time is all it takes for you to realise what is best holding onto and what is best letting go of.

Kyra xo

Why I believe keeping things private is actually pretty important

Now I know what you are all thinking, you are looking at my title in disbelief. You were just having an innocent scroll through Facebook or Twitter and then bam. I hit you with this ‘keeping things private shite’ and you’re just sitting there thinking. Like, is she being serious right now? How can she even say that? I get where you are coming from random citizen. I mean lets be honest, one of my last Facebook posts was about having a sex dream.

Maybe you think my title is misleading, because I’m not exactly the most private person out there. I talk about sex far too much, In fact I love talking about sex nearly as much as I love having sex. You could say I’m obssessed, I could probably agree.

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But this is who I am. Everyone in my life knows I will always be an open person. That will never ever change. I will always openly discuss my issues to people I trust and I will always give my honest advice with theirs. 

And I will always openly discuss sex.

Some people get that, others don’t. That’s fine, we are all different people, with different views on what is morally acceptable in this society. But c’mon now. We live in a world filled with prostitutes, drugs, murder and unfaithful partners. (just a small list of what’s wrong in this world) Give a girl a break eh? This isn’t the 1950’s. I’m an independent women. (cue me dancing ridiculously to Destiny’s child)

But all I can say is that, if you are intimidated by the fact that I am confident discussing what I like and exactly how I like it, then..well? What are you expecting from me? I won’t apologise for who I am, I won’t apologise for being more comfortable with myself than you are. I just don’t expect you to make public digs at me about what I say. You feel me bro? No? Ok then, how about you and your negative attitude go stand on an unexpected piece of lego. Doesn’t feel good does it?

 

You’re are probably thinking I have some warped sort of view on sex, like it’s no big deal. But if you read my previous posts you would know that I respect relationships, and that I’m not really into one night stands. And I have no problem with people that like them. But In my opinion, sex with someone you care about is and always will be a big deal. Something private between the two of you. Something you wouldn’t hear me openly chatting about on Facebook or with acquaintances. It is important to respect that kind of privacy. And that is what I have learned from the past few months.

I have taken that level of privacy on board, and put it towards certain aspects of my life. I know for certain that it’s best to be a little more private about a new relationship. Maybe I should stop telling everyone how much I love cat’s. Maybe I should stop blogging about everything?

Now if I stopped the last two, I would be trying to suppress a part of me that cannot be suppressed. I like expressing how I feel. I like being me. I’m just learning to be a better version of myself.

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5 common types of relationships

The ‘first love’

As a past-believer in everlasting love, like the hopeless romantic I am, there were no words to describe my feelings of betrayal when I  discovered that my ‘one and only’ was not to be. Looking back I realise that my expectations for the relationship were probably a tad  too high. Oh, ok fine – my expectations were so far past the line, that i couldn’t even see it. My relationship with my ex can be compared to a race. I was one of those really really fast horses with one of those pretentious horsey names like wellingtonbanks full of adrenaline and my ex was a snail, a really relaxed snail just going at his own casual pace, probably called chad or something. That sounds like a reasonable snail name.

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Anyway, you always start at the beginning of this race together, side by side,  my ex being a snail and and me being a horse, waiting for that moment that lets us know it’s okay to go for it and give it our everything.  The start is always the best part, you have a clear path ahead of you and you are in this together. But my horsey instincts kick in and I end up going a lot faster than my ex, I take over him, leaving him to trail behind. And eventually I pass the finish line, in relationship terms years before he does.  Spending the remainder of my time waiting for him to catch up and be my equal again.  But of course it becomes clear that he wont be reaching me any time soon. So I end up spending the most part of the relationship continuing down a lone path filled with crazed ideas about where we are both heading. When in reality, it’s not going anywhere, because essentially I have grown up and moved on, leaving my ex half way through the race.  This is naturally my first love in a nutshell. Me wanting to finish the race and “settle down” and my ex wanting to take his time and live in the moment. Unfortunately a little too much.  And it is probably the case for most first loves. One will try to move too fast, while the other is reluctant.  You out grow each other and decide we want more than what that person can offer and they deserve more than what we can offer them. It is all really quite sad.

But fear not my loved up cherubs, there are plenty of childhood sweethearts still going strong. I’m not saying it is impossible, just that it’s  definitely more realistic.

The one night stand

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I haven’t had many one night stand’s, only two to count. One I didn’t know and I regret, and the other I did know and I don’t regret it at all. See that’s the thing with me, I’ve never liked the idea of sleeping with someone you don’t know. It kind of freaks me out, and I have no idea why I decided to go ahead with it.  It’s not about body confidence or the ability to perform. I have no issues there. It just relates back to my undeniable awkwardness and social anxiety. The thing I worry most about is the next morning. I mean it’s completely acceptable to look a trainwreck during sex, because let’s face it, the guy isn’t going to start complaining about your panda eye’s when you are giving him head. He’s only going to be thinking about the fact that you’re giving him head. It’s when you are both moderately sober and aware of how much of a mess you look and how little you know about them. That’s what freaks me out. What are you supposed to say? Um, hi could you please leave because you are making me uncomfortable, and I would like to continue walking around being a mess and feeling sorry for my hungover self in peace. If it was with someone you know at least you could justify your messy hair do and make-up free face with it’s ok, he’s already seen me like this before.

The rebound

Rebound

We’ve all been there. The guy you secretly really liked during your last relationship but never acted on until you ended things with your boyfriend. The one that seemed like a really down to earth and nice guy. He was all magical and different and you fell for him like a deer in the headlights because you both had loads of things in common, but it turns out he was really just a dick,  He didn’t really get you and it didn’t feel right. And the things you had in common were pretty much made up because you were so desperate to feel that closeness with someone again. I bet you the sex was really good am I right? Yes, well good for you. Bravo on putting on your sexiest pants and be a sexual unicorn. But that’s all it was really about wasn’t it? Pretty much a prolonged one night stand. . And that my friends is why it is called  “The rebound” because it isn’t destined to last. And there’s a reason for that.

The internet romance that wasn’t so romantic after all

Remember msn messenger? Aye, well back in the day I used it mostly for flirtatious conversations with overly exaggerated emotions and updating my pm to who ever I fancied that week.  I spent far too much time chatting away to guys I had never met and assuming that they were my boyfriend. It’s kind of what you do as a young teenager, you get to know someone over the internet, and you begin to obsess over them. So much so that you send them nudges until they respond to your large beating heart emotion you sent them merely a second ago. It’s the right of passage as a teenage girl -or at least it was. We all experience an internet romance. But what I learned was that when the time comes to finally meet the person you have been obsessing over, it’s kind of an anti-climax. You spend months “getting to know them before you take the plunge and met them in flesh. It is then when it hits you that even though you know so much about them. You don’t really know them. So the meeting turns out to be actually pretty awkward and although you both usually have so much to say, you suddenly feel quite guarded. You realise they know some of your darkest secrets and being with them makes you uncomfortable. All that talk about all the things you are going to do together and all that sexual tension exchanged in the form of winky faces suddenly means nothing. After the awkward encounter you don’t speak as much and one day you notice your name has been replaced on their pm and you feel a little betrayed and heartbroken. You stop speaking all together and forget about them.

The one that has potential

There’s always that relationship that starts of as just a friendship but over time it gradually becomes more. You aren’t really expecting anything to happen and you kinda wish it would. But you just keep going along being friends until it all suddenly kicks off. It’s unexpected, new and scary, but it feels right.

He’s the friend you’ve always had a thing for. You both share the same kind of silly humour and you get on a little too well.  He’s the kindest man you have ever met. He doesn’t put you down instead he lifts you up, he doesn’t judge you – he listens, and he hasn’t ever disappointed you. He puts in the effort and doesn’t ever blow hot and cold. He shows you affection and he has no problems expressing his emotions. You feel safe with him, and you feel calm. You love spending time with him and you find him interesting. Most of all you respect him and you trust him. He is a good person and he is worth every second of your time.

And there is a sort of clarity within yourself when you come across someone like this. If they have potential, don’t miss out! Just go for it. It could be the beginning of something brilliant. There are decent people out there, you just have to take the time of day and get to know them.

p.s. Nice guys do not finish last.

What goes up, must come down. Should it really?

The phrase “What goes up, must come down” can relate to a lot of things. Like, for instance,  if I were to throw a ball up in the air, there is no point questioning whether or not it will come back down. Because the laws of gravity does not allow the ball to stay up in the air for very long. (unless it got stuck in a tree)

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So, let’s say I’m the ball. Naturally the function of the ball is to be hit in the face continuously whether that being from a tennis racket or the ground. Am i right?  Aye, so It’s a bit like my life, obviously there has been times growing up where it feels as though I am getting a smack in the face , personally… from life, because life hates me and i’m a teenager and nothing is getting better blaa.  So i’m a ball and i’m trying so hard to stay up in the air  for as long as possible and feel that sense of freedom, that feeling of peace. But it won’t last long, because that’s not how life works – because apparently life is a rollercoaster- and also because I’m a ball and I’ve already described how that ends.

I have gone through my first 19 years with this unbelievably stupid belief that as soon as something good happens to me, something bad will eventually follow – To justify it, I tell myself that there needs to be a balance. Me? Happy? All the time you say? HAHAHAHA. I’m not that lucky!

I know that I’m not one of these lucky people, who go through life with everything handed to them on a plate. And I never will be, because who wants everything done for them?  I have always wanted to be recognised as a hard working person. And I count myself lucky that I have the opportunity to do so.  But then why do I see someone who is happy all the time as ‘lucky.’  Why do I have this attitude towards it, as though 1 in 6 people are privileged enough to be this way. We choose how we feel, even if we don’t realise it. So why should I believe in such a negative theory towards my life. Why should I assume shit will eventually hit the fan because I am happy with how my life is going right now. That is probably one of the most confusing theories I have ever came across and tried to accept as a positive thing. I think, if you want to be happy-You will be happy. BUT, only if you are willing to put in the effort to change what is bringing you down. Whether that be a bad relationship, a number of bad friends, a  personal reason or a crappy job. Only you can make you happy. No one can do it for you.

So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on this year so far and I’ve realised just how happy I am.  And I’m sorry if  i’m coming across as being that ‘i’m so happy’-let me rub it your face person right now. But..

Everything has come together, infact I’ve come together in a way I could of never even imagined and I am entirely grateful for every single person who helped me grow. Of course there had been moments, these past few months where I faced hardship’s just like every other person. And I very nearly let it bring me down, and I nearly allowed myself to return to that negative state of mind I had been carrying with me for too long.

I began questioning myself. Why should I let these weak moment define how I am? with and towards others. And why did I accept that ‘what goes up, must come down.’ Because I  really don’t anymore. You can still be happy despite the bad things happening in your life. You’re allowed to feel sorry for yourself, and you are allowed to feel sad, but why let it drag you down. I would much rather try and be positive and be kind to other’s. I would rather assume that ok, life can suck sometimes…but it doesn’t mean I have to suck with it. – I can change this, I can be happy.

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Nobody Else Can Heal You

Worth a read!

Thought Catalog

I’m not saying you have to have it all seamlessly together to be loved. I actually think that real love grows when someone finds unspeakable beauty in the place you’ve been cut open. But the thing is, you can’t expect someone else to heal those wounds. They can love you and that love can facilitate healing, but you are the only person who can heal yourself. Nobody else will ever be able to alleviate your burdens. It may seem like it for a little while, but the brokenness of your foundation will always show eventually.

Yes, love is transformative and enlightening and humbling and probably the most real thing we can experience. It is responsible for a whole slew of miraculousness, but romantic love will not solve your problems. The high you get from the newness of someone will eventually subside, as it always does, and you’ll be left even…

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Diary post #1

Before you instantly judge me for being so personal, let me raise my small tiny hands up to your face and stop you right there. Need I remind you that we are all guilty of being personal on Facebook, so much so that we practically go out. Y’know, like “ooh Facebook look what I had for lunch.” – Instagram’s photo of mediocre food to Facebook  (yes I am terrible for it) or “Hey Facebook, how’s your day been?..actually I don’t care, here’s a minute by minute reconstruction of when I nearly got hit by a car on my extra exciting journey to work.”

…Besides, I’ve misplaced my diary and my Microsoft Word has expired.

I’m not going to start this with so there’s this guy because that is the way my 12-year-old self would write and yes, I may still look that age, but I’m turning 20 this year, so let’s not. I’ll start this with a more serious tone.

I would like to have sexual relations with him…like all the time.

Hahahaha, joking!

That was a lie..I do, I really do.

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Anyway, it’s not about sex this time, i’m not looking for just sex. (Bet you’re all like, ‘interesting was she before?..what a slut’)  I wasn’t even looking for anything until I realised that’s what I wanted. Does that make sense? I think time to myself was what I needed, and I’m glad I listened to my friends and family and took it. It wasn’t a huge amount of time – just a few months. But everyone is different and it was enough for me to become my own person again, reevaluate and remind myself of my goals and my ambitions, remind myself that I’m not all bad and find a way to like myself again – I learned to embrace the positive things about myself and my life. And somehow it ended up with me cooing frantically over this guy, because according to my brain, he’s a positive influence in my life. Woops!

It wasn’t like I was spending my days actively searching for another relationship. I was investing my time learning how to be with myself – I was concentrating on improving myself and my flaws. I wasn’t on the prowl for a new boyfriend because as much as I love relationships I also enjoy being single – So I’ve learned.

But then once my mind was clear and I was more self-aware of my emotions, I kind of accidently fell for him. Funny how that works, it always seems to happen when you aren’t paying attention.

To be honest, I’ve always liked him, since we first started talking. I felt an instant connection with him, and it’s rare for me to come across that. I have come across a variety of different connections with people over the years.

  1. The connection that I have with my family.
  2. The connection I feel with my closest friends.
  3. And then there’s the connection you feel with someone, an ‘instant connection’, a strong chemistry between the two of you, a sort of deeper understanding of one another.

It’s difficult to explain, but that’s how I feel when I’m with him. I can literally feel the chemistry bounce off of us, and It sounds ridiculous but I get the feeling he feels it too. Could it be a lot of sexual tension, probably. But I also think it’s more than that. I like him on a much deeper level, I like him in a way I have never liked anyone before. It’s different, and I’m open to the idea of it because I know that if it does ever happen, it’ll be good for me. And not in the sense I’ll be in a relationship again and it’ll get me out of the single life, NO. Because quite frankly, I don’t mind being single at all, I just mean that I know that it feels right, and that if the opportunity came along I would gladly jump aboard..Literally too 😉 because I know I would learn a lot from him and maybe that’s what this connection is all about. Maybe he’s wandered into my life for that exact purpose.

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The feeling you get before a night out

This will just be a quick one because I’m currently en-route to Glasgow for a night out, so I’ll just get straight to the point.

Do you ever feel super nervous before heading out for a night in the town? Maybe it’s just me because I’m naturally the most anxious person you will ever meet. It’s a flaw and it’s a gift. Because it could be the reason I chose not do something reckless because I’m worried about the outcome or it could be the reason why I’m having a mild panic attack other absolutely nothing. Now, what I’ve realised is that it doesn’t matter how confident I am feeling while i’m in my flat. I could be strutting about my flat like i’m beyonce, but as soon as I step out on to the street, I feel an over-whelming sense of fear. Normally, the thoughts that are rattling through my brain are..Did I forget something? Shit, do I have my I.D? to which I check my bag every 10 minutes on the way incase it has somehow magically reached out, unbuttoned my bag and fallen out. I get worried when I walk past people, I believe they are mocking me because MAYBE I have too much make-up on, or perhaps I forgot to do half of my face. When I know fine well I have, because I spent most of my train journey as naive as could be, looking into my camera to check it’s not smudged. And then there’s the fear of the actual event. I know the people, I work with them every week, I enjoy their company, yet at the back of my mind I wish I could run back home and crawl under my duvet.

Anyone else feel the same sometimes?

Frustration and learning to control it

In the past, me being frustrated would lead to me doing something stupid, something I would later regret – I would overreact, lash out to the people who were by my side, rant on social media and genuinely just be a little immature bitch about it. I wanted what I couldn’t have, therefore the most logical thing to do as a hormone-raged teenager was to lash out for not getting my own way. If life wasn’t happening fast enough, I would blame those around me. I never took any responsibility for anything that I did or said because I refused to believe that I was in any way wrong. I was frustrated and therefore my personal issues were mine and everyone else’s problem. I expected everyone to fight my battles and to stick up for me, to make me happy, to make me enjoy myself. I expected and relied on everyone else but myself.

But in a way, it’s ok to be selfish and expect things, because sooner or later you will learn. You will find yourself stuck in the middle of the road and the biggest truck you have ever seen will be parading towards you at 300 mph, knocking it’s way through the walls you tried to build around yourself and then hitting you right in the chest. Yep, that’s how reality feels. You will start to realise that although your life is important, you are not the only person in this world and sometimes we need to remind ourselves that someone has already gone through everything you are currently experiencing. We all have problems, we all have insecurities and we all let them control the way we think and act. 

And i’m not saying I’m perfect because I’m far from it. But I at least I am able to accept that my past-self was stupid, and at least I can accept that I am only human and sometimes, when i’m at my most vulnerable, my old habits sneak back in.

Sometimes, I even welcome them with open arms, like i’m expecting it to be different this time – as though these negative patterns are acceptable. I tell myself that I’m just having a hard day, or a difficult week so I let these negative thoughts in, I let them circulate in my mind and chanel themselves into frustration and anger. I still do it every now and again, just in a more controlled environment. I have control over my thoughts and so do you – remember that.Image

 

Weekly fix of animals being cute and doing weird shit

I told you I would be embracing my inner-cat and producing a cat video at one point. And by producing a cat video, I didn’t actually direct this, because if I did that would make me beyond awesome (obv) and also that would mean I have two cats. And I don’t – cue violins while I weep in the bath about it. You know what I mean, bringing you the joy of this video and all that!
Anyhoo, back to my point. My friend Craig showed me this video a couple of weeks ago via Twitter, and of course I got super emotional watching it because:
1) I love cats
2) It was the best thing to have graced this earth
3) I really fucking love cats
Who doesn’t enjoy pretending animals can speak? NOT ME! It makes the video even more hilarious.
Hope this brings you eternal happiness!

Kyra xo

10 Moments That Make A Best Friendship

Couldn’t of put it better myself! Just fantastic.

Thought Catalog

Though there are many moments that construct a friendship over years, through all kinds of shared experiences and emotions, there are 10 in a best friendship that make you realize, whether in the moment or with the perspective of time, how lucky you are to have them.

1. Telling a secret and knowing it’s not going anywhere.

It’s hard telling a secret. We keep all of these ugly, unfit-for-society thoughts and feelings bottled up in us for so long — convinced that telling another soul would be social suicide. After all, what is a juicy secret for many if not the chance to pass a piece of gossip? It’s hard not to feel that telling one person would be telling everyone, no matter how much you emphasize that it’s for their ears only. That is, of course, except with your best friend. With them, you can be honest about your…

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